Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
But I am painting my nails and typing leads to less screw ups than a hairbrush!
Last night I had some new and old girlfriends over for wine and cheese and dinner. Only one knew any real details of the “friend turned” story, so I gave it all to them. I never realized what a long freaking story it is!
Not one of them is impressed with the situation. They all say “no”. And they are probably right.
Other stories of the evening included an engagement story of two cultures that made me cry – probably because I know them both, and I was waiting for the engagement for so long. Only to find out what was holding it up was his discomfort with her family not being accepting of him, preferring an arranged marriage for her.
____
Today I am supposed see the friend turned for the first time in…2 months? Aug 5th – I just looked it up (blogs are good for something!).
Ugh. He just texted. I will write tomorrow….lets see if we actually get together – he is already giving me “bed early” excuses. If I do see him, I think I am planning to dress for work – 4 inch heels, tight charcoal gray pants….shirt unknown….will have to have a little tiny bit of cleavage…not too much.
Which also means I should finish my hair since that needs to look good, too.
Filed under: Being Mere
boring, huh? Was sick – just a cold. Nothing exciting to report. Maybe next week?
Expectations: The friend turned got the ex wife out of the house and emailed me the day the home closed asking for one night to himself.
I am not sure if it has just been so long – I mean the last time he was ‘here’ acting like he wanted something from me was almost 2 months ago. Maybe too much time has passed and I am just over it?
I don’t know, but part of me is like “Hey, no rush, take all the time you want” which is not what I was saying a week ago. I am insane. And it sort of sucks!
I think I am happy he emailed. Saturday (today) has been his day to reconnect with me in some sort of fashion. I should be happy he did it last night, right? But after the week we have had, I did not exactly hold time for him, since I was not sure he would be done with everything. I have plans today and plans tomorrow – I mean technically I have time, but….I will not be ready. My house is messy. I am messy (have not felt good all week). But whatever.
***
Spent time with my brothers kids yesterday. They really are good kids. There are times I wish they lived closer – just without their father.
***
Shitheads: I am up early since I apparently need no sleep anymore. I decided to start some laundry, clean the potty box, unload the dishwasher, etc.
I am heading out to the garage with a bag of trash on one hand and the cats are chasing each other and the little one, the shit, sees the open door and runs through it. Crap.
I try to get him out from under the car – nope. I turn on the car, thinking it will scare him. Nope.
I go inside. Screw it.
10 minutes later I go back out and he is freaking out. Tail all puffy, crying at me. He runs over and I pick him up and throw him in the house. He proceeds to give me a talking to for the next 5 minutes. He was not happy I left him out there.
Then, the washer gets off balance and you can hear it through the wall and he is looking at the garage with wide eyes, all freaked out again. “That is the monster that was gonna eat you”, I tell him.
***
Off to house flipping and then wine tasting!
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
Yesterday was a cluster fuck on so many levels. I spent WAY too much time on one listing and half way through the day realized I would be at a conference all day today, so skipped boxing to work til 9.
I get a response on fb from the ”friend turned” about the ex not closing the house. I send a text, it gets answered, but I am too busy AND driving so I call and tell him “No time to chit chat – here is what you need to do….”
I give him the info, tell him what forms to use, what actions need to be taken to CYA and some other miscellaneous bs and I start to say “Ok. bye.”
He starts in with something along the lines of “I will speak to you soon….things clearing up…..”
“Ok, no problem, bye”.
And he sort of stops me and says “I think I will be…[something referring to availability, or open to talk or something like that] Saturday.”
It is like he cannot grasp that I only called to solve his issue. And that I really do not have time to talk.
“Ok, good. Bye”.
I did not mention I am swamped all weekend either and might not even have time.
****
Today, we go back and forth over the above issue with the ex via email. It ends around 9 when he sends me an email saying she has declined the solution per her mothers instructions and he has moved out and into a hotel.
Sadly, I get why she did it – or why she did not take the solution. And frankly, her decision makes sense given the current set of circumstances. It also makes sense since she is so meek. I would have moved – I would have figured it out….but that is why he is divorcing her – she does nothing to help out her own situation, lives in a fantasy world where someone will come save you on white horseback, and as far as I can tell, takes to real responsibility for her own existence.
****
I just checked his fb page – just to see if anyone sent him a little message and there are none. But the 3 tops things on his page are “He liked your photo” “He commented on your status” “He commented on your status”.
He is so on my jock right now!
****
Pretty sure we will not be speaking on Saturday with this new drama. He really needs, and deserves at this point, his own space. They have been living this way for 7 months and I am sure it is wearing them both down. Him especially since he is such a control freak – he wants to solve this and is powerless – not that he will admit it, but I am quite aware of what can and cannot be done. And my solution was the best IF they knew the deal could be extended.
Filed under: Being Mere
Today was even better. I am pretty zen right now. I am aware of what I can and cannot control and for now I am ok with it. It did not hurt that I changed my fb pic and he marked that he liked it – which was the mother-effing point. And it was a good picture – I look happy. I had good hair. And the pic is just fuzzy enough to be dreamy and not show any wrinkles!
What I did do today was make a decision that has not ONE thing to do with boy drama. I went to work in my fave wide leg jeans. They are too large, but so comfy. And I was in a nice tee and my stupid flip flops.
And I decided this morning I was done dressing so casually. I ended up at an Ann Taylor outlet, on my way to the Nordies Rack. I went nuts – new jeans (2 pairs OF SIZE EIGHT so I can have one shortened for flats and leave the other for heels), 2 v-neck sweaters (small!), 2 cute cardigans and one tight ass pair of slacks (another 8). There is a little pull in the thigh on all the pants, but that is just not avoidable – I am a thigh girl. And I am hoping another few weeks of kickboxing will fix me right up!
I might go back for more slacks – they have a straight fit (which I bought) and a curvy fit that I think will work better. They just did not have any in my size.
I think this stems from yesterday where I wore a pair of Level 99 jeans from Anthropology (that I love) and the belt loop is coming off because I grab them and haul them up too often. I am going to take all of my larger jeans and wash and dry on hot/high and see if they will shrink a bit.
It also comes from looking at fb last night and finding and old best friend who looks gorgeous and so…with it. I mean, she looks good with her younger foreign husband (that bitch). Cute hair, good makeup, fab clothes. There is no reason I cannot pull it together a little but, right?
And it comes from looking through (mostly bad) pics of myself and realizing I need a fucking haircut. I always look better with a fresh haircut – that man knows what he is doing. I had been growing it out and seeing him once every 12 weeks. Then it was once every 10. I had intended to move it to once every 8…only we are at 11 weeks tomorrow. Ugh. No wonder I am all pony tail all the time. I still want to grow it out a bit more, but it needs a new shape.
For the second time in 2 weeks I cleaned out my closet – there is just so much that I will not wear!
Right this moment I have 2 pairs of jeans (new), 2 pairs of jeans (older and slightly loose), and 3 pairs of slacks that will fit. I need to have 3 of the 7 hemmed. I have oodles of shirts and sweaters.
But what I really need to do is learn to accessorize. Then I would be set!
Filed under: Being Mere, Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
So, hot married guy comes into work again today (Friday). Third time this week. He asks for an update and threatens to answer him for me.
He dares me to reply with something along the lines of what he had said before – tell him how I felt. In simple, easy terms.
The funny part is I have started the email. I said “Hot married guy is critiquing my emails to you and is calling me names.”
Only when it came time to just type something similar to “I liked you” I am physically unable. I mean it would have killed me to write it – to put myself out there like that. And I know it is stupid. But there is some block there.
Anyway, after HMG leaves I do type something. I put it in the context of “HMG says had I done it this way, we could have avoided this”.
And then I ran for my car to get away from the computer.
But you know I get email on my phone, right? So I see it and read it in parts at red lights in Oakland. I read it over and over. It is a good email – but he still has his disclosure in it. He said he was busy for the next 10 days with moving the wife and all…and he would love to talk when it was done.
The response is he had only figured it all out after I pulled so far away. So he DID know now, so why do I have to say it? But whatever. I did.
And that he felt he had made advances and was twice rebuffed.
(Another aside – obviously our best communication is not via email (or in person, HA!), so I will clarify later, but the only thing I can think of is twice we were making out and I stopped him from sticking his hands down my pants – which has nothing to do with situation other than I did not feel it was appropriate if we were just friends to go there, ya know? But a BIG “a-ha” over how men think, right? I mean lets put this in context – we only made out 3 times I think. So it isn’t like I was trying to play games – I was trying to figure out the situation and I did not want to have to go back to friends after all that. And I might have been scared that is would go further and THEN we have to go back to being friends.)
This email puts the panic back in my gut – not quite as bad, but there. For whatever reason it is the wait that sets me off. I think I have just become someone who has to see you to connect with you. I cannot keep up long distance friendships any more. He settles me. Or…he CAN settle me if he stops asking me to find old boyfriends. And I think, with him, I cannot be left to my own devices. My brain will only create issues. At least for now.
I am trying to be calm. And I am better today than I was yesterday afternoon when I read that reply. I am not hopeful, but I am at least in a place where I know what he was doing and he has an idea of where I was coming from. But, for the first time, I feel like the door is open to talk. I am not sure why we couldn’t before. Too alike – spending too much time testing each other and trying to figure it out instead of talking. Both of us afraid to be the one to say something first?
Maybe I need to explain to him that I cannot remember the last time I “oops!” made out with someone because I was drunk or whatever. I do not accidentally kiss someone. It is something I regret actually, this blog and my life might be a little more exciting if I could!
I had already tested the waters before we ever got to that point. Girls know how to do this, right? I mean, I do not even think we need to think about it. We just lean in a little and then when it comes time to move away you instinctively gauge the response. I KNEW he was open to whatever – no matter what the situation was and how “in love” he was with this girlfriend who was yanking his chain. I knew it a week or more before anything happened. Then my stupid brain got involved and all hell broke loose.
Then he sent an email and asked if HMG was single “in case we don’t work out”. To which I replied ‘He is very married with a gaggle of kids. And he is gorgeous. So if he comes on the market I get first dibs, (just to make beautiful babies) then you can have him.”
So…who knows where this is all going.
(LAST aside! This whole thing is oh-so-good for the diet. I can barely eat and burn millions of calories pressing refresh over and over on FB…ok the last part is only partially true – but the lack of food is not!)
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
There is a guy (hot married guy) who used to work in my office, and still visits once a week or so that gives great advice. Even when I am too retarded to hear him. He has been through the entire friend turned, but it all blew up in a 2 or 3 week period when he was not around.
Could he have brought me down? Maybe. Could he have coached me to make more useful work of my uncontrolled emotions – probably.
Regardless, this is where we are at now, right? Those two weeks were painful. I felt these very weird emotions that were not only hard to identify because I am not sure I have ever felt them before – but also because I could not see the correlation – why was I feeling this way about the friend turned?
The overwhelming emotion – the one that took me the longest to name – was panic. I was in a panic. I was panicked at the thought of another week going by without seeing him. And it is stupid – I mean, come on, I am not that girl. I do not need to see people. I usually just choose to move on if I am not getting what I want. But here I was with this churning gut and teary eyes and….what the fuck?
I would say my usual reaction would have been annoyance at myself. I would hate myself for saving the evenings, hoping he would come up.
I am still not sure I know what it was all about. I do not know if I ever will. And I hope to never feel like that again in this type of situation – sad is ok, annoyed is fine, irritated, jilted, angry, abandoned – any of those would have been emotions I could have dealt with. But the panic brought me to a screeching halt.
So, I updated the hot married guy on where we stood. His response was “Just in the spirit of fucking with him [He does know how to work me, doesn't he?] you should email him and say ‘I liked you and I had hoped we could make something work’”.
As we all know, I am not capable of doing what I am told, but I did email – a typical Mere email where I took the blame and said I did not think that silence was going to be the response but it “solidified a few theories in my head” about what was going on, and I am ok with that being the “truth”. Blah, blah, blah.
I get something back fairly quickly – like within 5 mins – and he says he cannot talk much due to children, but he took my last email (meaning the ones when I put a stop to everything) were saying ‘leave me alone’.
I responded with “No, I was pleading for you to not put salt in the wounds as I was hurting and nothing you were going to say was going to help us with our mutual goal of remaining friends.”
(aside)
Now, my mind is racing. He did not tell me to fuck off. He did not say he wants nothing from me. And my hormones go INSANE. And I cannot get the “sexy talk” out of my head. I mean…I am wracking my brain for an alternative just to get rid of the tension – I quickly learned I am lacking anyone in my life that would fill that space, ended up texting the one person who MIGHT and while it was good text, he is too chicken shit to ever act.
(end aside)
“I can understand that then”, he responds, some bs about moving the wife and then that he wants the friendship, but is not sure he is capable of more.
Which shuts me down again. I am hopeful, but not that it will be anything other than friends, and while I want that, I am not sure I can handle that right now as evidenced by my hormonal surges and overwhelming desire to just make out in the dark with him. Which is counter-productive to the over all message going between the two of us.
More later…I need dinner.
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
I was over the whole friend turned. But apparently not. I emailed today, the response was not unfriendly, but…well, he pasted my last email from the day I blew a gasket.
And the only thing running through my head as he says he is happy to talk more later is curling up and doing so.
This is probably not a good sign….if that is all I see when I close my eyes.
Shiiiit….gonna need to strengthen defenses with some eh@rm*ny dates, STAT!
Filed under: Uncategorized
Where were you all this time? she said. Where have you been?
I guess far away.
Yes you were. Too far away.
They sat in silence.
You know you frightened me a little, she said. At the beginning.
No.
You did.
He smiled at that.
You looked as if you didn’t need anyone, she said.
But those are the ones who need the most, he said. Don’t you know that?
I do now, she said. Too late.
Never too late to know something, he said.
Maybe not, she said. But too late to do any good.
* * *
I never finished the book. But I have kept it for that first page.
