I had a date last night.

I tarted up to spend 4 hours across from someone I am never going to want to see naked.  What a waste of time.  I would have rather cleaned out my nightstand.

I am thinking of joining M@tch instead.  I am feeling good enough about myself to be able to meet people a few nights a week.  eH@rm*ny is just so much work.  I don’t care about your inner feelings right now…mostly cuz I do not care about you.

Might as well practice date while I am so anti-boy, right?   Not like I have a ton of other things going on.

I once learned in a conference that less than 41% of households making over $100K live with a spending plan or budget.

I was one of the 59%.  I grew up with self employed parents.  We either had or we did not.  They shared when they had and we all suffered when there was nothing.  Not in a bad way – my brother still played soccer and we were not without food.  But there were times when there was nothing extra.

So here I am, working with an income that fluctuates, finally at a point where there is no more leeway.  Things came crashing to a halt this summer.

And it was likely the best thing that ever happened to me – or so I keep telling myself.

For the first time I have an actual budget.  I can see where the money is coming from and going in the next 8 weeks.

And right now, between checks, with an overdrawn checking account and behind on half my bills, and I think $7 in “savings” (HA!), I had to make a choice.  I had about $250 cash on me.  I am getting my hair colored Friday – not negotiable, $105.  Leaving me JUST enough to either sign up for kickboxing or get my hair cut which it desperately needs.

Now, I GUESS I could go to Super Cuts or some shit – but my hair is the only thing that is always (until recently, since it is overgrown) pretty and I will give up pedicures and manicures and cleaning ladies (oh yes, fired them!  Cleaning my own fucking house), and new clothes and new makeup and fancy creams, and nights out, and everything else, but I AM NOT giving up haircuts.

I decided my hair will win over my ass.  I will figure out a way to pay for the kickboxing – I might even beg my mother (who paid my health insurance this week which is why I have cash – that my dad had given me to pay my health insurance.  Spoiled?  Yup).

So, come Friday I think I will have $8 to my name until the end of the month.  And I am ok with it.

My hair had better rock on Friday.

Cuz I also have a “date”.

I went to a new kickboxing class last night.  It was way too Billy Blanks Tae bo or whatever for me.  A little too much with the jazzercise portion.  And no actual kicking.  You did leg movements that led you to sort of push the bag with your toes….WTF?  I wanna kick the crap outta something!  I LIKE the bruises all up and down my shins – it ain’t like I wear skirts all that often!

But I am sore.  Right now it is hurting around the outer arm/lower shoulder area, and the glutes and the back right between my shoulder blades.  A good hurt – not like the first time I went to the other class.  I feel like I am standing up straighter already.  And I am in a better mood – so I have to make working out a priority.

I took my measurements yesterday for the hell of it – I got in the habit in my late 20’s when I worked out with a trainer.  They measurements were good – for me, anyway.  I should be thrilled.  But I saw some pics of me from mid-Sept and I look like hell.  And I am sorta wondering if  it isn’t actually more clothing related.  Almost every thing is a little too big.  There are belt loops in danger of falling off of my jeans because I use them to haul the pants back up all day long.

But I am broke.

I had computer issues early this week.  No internet which meant I needed to upgrade the software which meant that nothing on my computer worked – 2 days of bullshizz.  So I called the phone company and canceled the air card…..ah….dsl!  And cable!

It is Halloween.  I am home.  My neck is killing me for some reason.  I am pouty and in a snit and just sort of over it all right now.

Nothing makes me happy.  I have gained 3 pounds since Monday with the addition on BISQUICK into the house.  GLUTEN!!!!  But I love me some white trash biscuits – yo.

I know I need to make $15K more than I already have on the books (which is 3 closings already in the pipeline for about $15K) and I do not know how.   I have ideas and I guess I need to sit and make a list and get on the phone.

That extra $15K would mean a deep breath.  It would mean I could unclench for 10 minutes and then work on the rest of my money issues.

In the scheme of things they are not major, I guess.  I have realized I have lived beyond my means for too long and it is time to reign it in if I ever have hopes of retiring.

Maybe it isn’t as hard as I think.  There are some deals that may go together in the near future (goddamn short sales are killing us).  But I do think I need to concentrate on new business.  Fill the pipeline.

Anyway…that shit is boh-ring.

So, this is PMS.  Ain’t it fun?

Nothing on the boy front.  I scared away another one.  Whatever.  I am so uninvolved with it all it barely registers that they are not going to call again.

I think my major issue (with me, not the boys) is I am not working out.  I can see how squishy I have gotten (which is pretty squishy since I am squishy even when working out).  But when broke, whatcha gonna do?  Go for a hike?  Sure, but that requires effort.  And I am fresh out.

I found something closer that has kickboxing that I am going to try this week and I freed up enough cash to figure something out.  That is my #1 goal this week.  I have to find something that will work.

I hate being this lethargic.

Ok, enough bitching.  I hope you all have a good Halloween!

I think of good titles in the shower – but a shower was 12+ hours ago and now I have no idea!

So, the friend turned has not contacted me – only some retarded post on FB that I assume was directed towards me in some way, but whatever.

In the meantime, I am over it.  He has made some lifestyle choices that I can respect but I am not sure I could incorporate them into my life.  And you cannot un-know something.  And it would have created a trust issue that would have resulted in a faulty foundation – not that I was super trusting of him as it was.

To keep myself entertained I am casually seeing someone from eh@rm*ny.  Very casual. Like not even sure I want to make out with him.

And then, in a fit of boredom, I posted a quick little cl ad looking for a partner in crime – I essentially said I do not want to fall for you, lets just hang and have fun.  And it was deleted 12 hours later, but one respondent has caught my attention.

B*st*n is what we will call him….for that hot little Massachusetts accent.  I have always had a thing for that accent and that attitude.  They have no fear.  They are not at all like these California pussies who do not want you to invade their lives.  A B*st*n guy will just tell you to get the fuck off of his lawn.  He will not care if you think he is an asshole because he IS an asshole.

This one is sort of hot. So we had a quick drink last week and now have plans for Tuesday.  I have no expectations from him and it feels good.  If we hang – great.  If we do not hear from each other all week – fine!

I have a plan to amass a few go-to guys for entertainment purposes.  I always have these opportunities for tickets to games and such and no one to take – that needs to change.

I do not want to get attached to any of them.  I am fairly sure I will remain essentially single forever.  I am not meant to get married and have kids or any of that.  And I need to remember that.  There will be no guy that wants to say ‘forever’ to me – I am just not that girl.  For all the reasons that I like myself, I am not that girl.

And possibly that is the key for being happy – just accepting what is in the cards for you.  Because the men I truly fall for are all so flawed.

So, my new rule is to do for me.  I am done making things easy for them.  It either makes me happy, or I am not involved.  My heart is totally closed off.  What would have made me melty before does not even register.  B*st*n’s attentiveness would have had my knees weak a month ago – now I could care less.  It means he gets a response back – that is all.

I hate to sound this cold, but it is an accurate representation of me at this time.  I cannot remember the last time I felt so little.  It is sort of scary.  But probably for the best – less drama, more fun, less heartache.  I barely speak to my friends right now – I just have nothing to offer.  I am in this mood to only deal with strangers – those that I can be whatever/whoever I want to be.   Hell, just to not have to be me for awhile is the only thing that sounds appealing at all right now.

So…what will passionless Mere sound like?  Let’s hope it is at least interesting!

I don’t know.

I think my own internal issues are colliding with a reality I had not even pondered, had in fact DISMISSED, and it leaves me shaky.  It leaves me shaken.

I am trying to figure out why this is the thing that would freak me out.   And I am not trying to be ambiguous – but I need to hash this out myself first.  Lightbulbs are going on and I see some things more clearly – it is my own workings that are the true confusion right now.

And I find it weird that I want to make him cry.  I actually have the desire to provoke tears – not that I think I could, but there is a side to me that is caustic and she wants out.  She wants to shame him.  Not for what he has done specifically, but for making choices that are a 100% guarantee that this will never go one step further.

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The good news?  I have been trying to cry for a week.  Actively trying to cry, this girl who cries over everything, and the tears were not there.

But just now, I got a few – not sure if they were tears of thanks (for caring) or tears of….shame?  Why I am ashamed I am not quite sure.  Nothing I saw/read/found had anything to do with me.

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The other good news?  No appetite.

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I was supposed to have a date tonight, too.  I canceled.  I blamed the tequila from last night, but it was really more of what I found. I will find it hard to look in any straight males eyes this week, and I cannot see trekking out to see someone and letting this ruin it because I am icked out by someone else.

I am feeling the need to connect to my male friends and have them give me the honest to god truth – but then we come back to not really wanting to spread it around.  The funny thing is I am the girl that loves to tell the story, right?  I mean that is my gig – “Wait until you here this shit”, right?  But this entire “relationship” has been about me keeping my mouth shut for the most part.  People know parts of the story but not the whole thing- hell, I do not even think you guys know the whole thing.

Anyway…I will continue to ponder.

that everyone is a perv.  I mean humans are perverted, right?

But what dumbfuck does not even try to use a fake email?  And even worse?  Search for the start to his email – like any freaking employee of his can?  And you ain’t gonna like what they find.

I am grossed out.

No…I am not grossed out you did it, I am grossed out you posted feedback.  The internet is searchable.

Ew.  How did I not find this before?

And how glad am I that I am done?

And how sad am I that I am not gay?  Because my faith in the straight man right now is nil.

Exactly.

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I have been sick.  Ate something bad. Lost 3 pounds, though – so….not everything is bad!

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It has been  a week and no word from the friend turned.  I will assume I will never hear from him again.  Maybe it is better that way.  It is always enlightening when someone cannot (will not?) contact you to say they fucked up.  Or more correctly, it is enlightening to realize their actions seemed to have gotten the response they desired, since they have taken no moves to make amends, extend an olive branch, whatever.  I have made too many moves in this and will not make any more.

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I am trying to figure out what I need to get me out of my funk.  I have some ideas, but am sort of unsure how to go about it.  I am in that place where nothing makes me happy and I want something just for me…

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Been having weird dreams about people from my past….like the way past…like almost 25 years ago.  Weird.

Cuz I am making lots of faces.  And I think a face would sum it up so much better than words.

I think I am depressed.  Not in the medicated way, just in the door closing and the only thing I was really looking forward to falling apart, and realizing the rest is all crap, and wondering what the fuck I am doing in all areas of my life and do I have the energy it takes to change what needs to change and the ability to embrace a new adventure.

Because all I want to do right now is sit.  I want to stare at walls and clear my mind and forget all this passive aggressive bullshit of “I really want to see you” when he actively picks days and times that will not work even when I explain in advance that they will not work, and….yup.  I just want to stop thinking about all of it.

So last night, I come home, talk to a friend on the phone, really not touching on what is going on until the last 5 minutes of an hour phone call.  I decide to take a bath, and do girlie things like mud masks.  And about a half hour goes by and I look at my phone to see a text from him – “Screw it.  I can be there is 45, yada, yada if you promise you’ll let me go by 9″.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I never texted him back when he was bailing.  I mean, part of me wants to count how many times he has put me off in the last 2 months and another part is TERRIFIED to find out.  So there was no response needed in my book.  This was twice in 3 weekends and I was not going to dignify it with an answer.  It was not ok and I was not going to respond with “word” or “that sucks” or “no problem” or even “fuck you”.  It was not even worth a fuck you.

I am not sure what he interpreted that silence as but that text makes me feel like I berated him for 4 hours.  And the “promise to let me go”?  ARE YOU A FUCKING HOSTAGE?  I think I am more offended by that line than by anything else in this whole exchange.

I have said time and time again I do not want to be an obligation.  I want him to want to see me.  And the message that is coming across is that he so does not.  And he think I am going to beg or plead or tie him down to stay?  I am speechless.  I mean I cannot even find words for a sentence to explain how fucking retarded that is.  I have never once asked him to stay longer, begged, pouted or made him feel guilty for leaving (or for not coming).  Speechless.

Anyway, I did not respond to that text either….because at that point nothing I said was going to be nice.

I am going to go back to making faces.  And not thinking.

3 weeks ago the wife moved out.  He wanted to see me.  He put me off for furniture shopping…or some such bs…I cannot remember.

Wanted to see me the following week – I had been pushing for that first weekend since I knew the following weekend would blow up and I would not have time.  And it did blow up and I got sick and I still had to work.  I was upfront with the fact that I would not have time that weekend BEFORE he told me he was too busy that first weekend.

Does this make sense?  I am tired and hungry and hungover and pissy.  And at work.  Not a good combination.

So second weekend he emails like a dumbass and asks if I have time and like I had said last week…no.

I talk to him in the middle of this last week and he says he would like to get together and I say I have Thurs, Fri or Sunday.  he picks Sunday.

Long story short?  Just pushed me off until next weekend.

So that would be weekend #4.  An entire month.  And I know he has his kids next weekend….so I would put money on him pushing me off again.

I am not even answering the text.  I see no point.  I am not even pissed.  Just disappointed and irritated.  And sad.  Which is fucking retarded.

I bought some pretty new nail polish on my way to my open house.  And I think I will see if another guy would like me on his couch tonight to watch football.

Over. It.