Utter Shit

Where were you all this time? she said. Where have you been?

I guess far away.

Yes you were. Too far away.

They sat in silence.

You know you frightened me a little, she said. At the beginning.

No.

You did.

He smiled at that.

You looked as if you didn’t need anyone, she said.

But those are the ones who need the most, he said. Don’t you know that?

I do now, she said. Too late.

Never too late to know something, he said.

Maybe not, she said. But too late to do any good.

* * *

I never finished the book.  But I have kept it for that first page.

Words have the ability to hurt. And that is not something I ever wanted this blog to do. I am happy to share the password with readers I know or readers (ha, like there is anyone left?) that would like to introduce themselves. I do not check the email attached to this, so leave me a comment to remind me to check email.

I love other people’s drama.  Know why?  Becasue my own dram tires me out to the point of not even wanting to talk about it.

I had time to write. So much in my head…so little time.

I said itch last night….but it is more like a burn, especially in the water.

Before the rash begins, the skin feels like it’s burning.

Gluten based rash….mmhmm….I am SO fucked.

So…after speaking to my “go to” guy at work about the weekend debacle I sent an email.   I said I was disappointed and had been enjoying blah blah blah….

Now, with a little more time and perspective and 20/20 vision I know there was no mistake.  He played the bullshit card because something better came along.

**

And I am considering joining a convent.  Wanna know why?

Here is what is out there….actual quotes from eh#rm^ny.

“I’m passionate bout being a good helping person in life…”

“I try to work hard and only do things for reasons..” WTF does that even mean?

Occupation: employee

downloading a calendaring program for my Treo….I get an email about this.

I am not one of the cool kids who has to have the newest and greatest.  I was handed a Palm (original) when I started at the dotcom – I gave it to my roommate.

I have no interest in the iPhone (blasphemy!) since I do not want something to “play” with.  I do not want to shake it to find a restaurant or hold it to a speaker to get a song. I have been wary of a Blackberry ever since they had their system failures years ago…and the phone aspect seems to suck ass.  And I do not need to be THAT connected…just connected when I want to be.

I need a TOOL. (hehe)  I need a good calendaring/reminder system with internet access and easy to use text.  And as I am really trying to get more organized, I am looking for a better calendar that is more user friendly and where I can split my to-do list from my appointments from my goals.

Now, with a little work, the current Treo I have would allow me to do all of this….but it is across multiple applications and I am sort of already stuck in how I use this Treo.  Which is to say I put anything and everything in the calendar with an alarm and use it as a checklist to get shit done – but it is not the best way to track appointments when you are already used to ignoring your phone and the to do list.

I am not sure this new Palm will be the answer…but I am pretty excited to see what it can do when it comes out.

I have always thought myself lucky to have a birthday at the end of the year.  It makes recaps so much easier.  It makes it all so final.  So over.

Today, I turn 35.  A number I have dreaded, yet now that it is here, maybe it isn’t so bad.

This year:

I lost a grandfather.  A quiet man who meant a lot to me.

I learned just how awful cancer is…not first hand, but close enough to see the scars, to know the emotional roller coaster, to see the hard decisions, to grieve the loss of body parts in order to survive.

Saw an African American man voted in as President.

Learned that my friends are far from perfect, and I love them anyway.

Had a friend move out of the country.

Went to Italy.

Realized what my job REALLY entails.

Thrived in a market where many are failing.  I did 10 more deals this year than in any other year.  I did not make more money than years past.  But I did have more fun this year than in any other of this career.

Lost about 13 pounds.

I learned to cry with my friends.  Over the good and the bad.  And I am pretty sure I cried all damn year.  Fricking drama queen.

Learned to embrace me, warts and all.

Watched our financial system crumble.

Did not go on enough dates.

Attempted to be more open minded.  Probably did not succeed.

Fell in love with my new housekeepers.

Saw California vote against gay marriage – and cried (instead of raged?  that is weird) when I found out someone close to me voted yes.

Speaking of gay marriage – went to my first same sex wedding reception!  It was awesome.

Tried online dating without all my usual derision.  Even met someone I liked – who may have even been good for me – and he quickly dumped me one month later.

Joined a bowling league.  The team was then kicked out of the league.

Have maintained drinking buddy status with some very interesting guys we met through bowling – they continue to be fun.

Speaking of drinking…had some FUN nights with way too much liquor.  And loved it!

Had too few days off, too little time to reflect.

Today I will be ushering in 35 with good friends, old and new.  Even with all the crap that happened this year, it was still one of the best years I have experienced.  I feel like I am living as I am supposed to.  I have settled in to Being Mere.

And for next year?

More money.

More weight loss

Meeting more people.

I took a mini vacation of sorts this weekend, choosing to check out of my life for 48 hours.

And where did I go?  Oakley.  Keep the comments to yourselves, please.

I had no laptop, the phone was on vibrate, the TV was loud, the booze were flowing, the company was quiet but attentive, and I slept almost not at all.

And it was almost perfect.  But those are stories for another time.

The real stories are what I was avoiding this weekend.  And the reason I felt I deserved a bit of…denial?…escapism?…freedom?…..???  Whatever.  The opportunity fell into my lap at the prefect time and I took it.