Utter Shit

I think of good titles in the shower – but a shower was 12+ hours ago and now I have no idea!

So, the friend turned has not contacted me – only some retarded post on FB that I assume was directed towards me in some way, but whatever.

In the meantime, I am over it.  He has made some lifestyle choices that I can respect but I am not sure I could incorporate them into my life.  And you cannot un-know something.  And it would have created a trust issue that would have resulted in a faulty foundation – not that I was super trusting of him as it was.

To keep myself entertained I am casually seeing someone from eh@rm*ny.  Very casual. Like not even sure I want to make out with him.

And then, in a fit of boredom, I posted a quick little cl ad looking for a partner in crime – I essentially said I do not want to fall for you, lets just hang and have fun.  And it was deleted 12 hours later, but one respondent has caught my attention.

B*st*n is what we will call him….for that hot little Massachusetts accent.  I have always had a thing for that accent and that attitude.  They have no fear.  They are not at all like these California pussies who do not want you to invade their lives.  A B*st*n guy will just tell you to get the fuck off of his lawn.  He will not care if you think he is an asshole because he IS an asshole.

This one is sort of hot. So we had a quick drink last week and now have plans for Tuesday.  I have no expectations from him and it feels good.  If we hang – great.  If we do not hear from each other all week – fine!

I have a plan to amass a few go-to guys for entertainment purposes.  I always have these opportunities for tickets to games and such and no one to take – that needs to change.

I do not want to get attached to any of them.  I am fairly sure I will remain essentially single forever.  I am not meant to get married and have kids or any of that.  And I need to remember that.  There will be no guy that wants to say ‘forever’ to me – I am just not that girl.  For all the reasons that I like myself, I am not that girl.

And possibly that is the key for being happy – just accepting what is in the cards for you.  Because the men I truly fall for are all so flawed.

So, my new rule is to do for me.  I am done making things easy for them.  It either makes me happy, or I am not involved.  My heart is totally closed off.  What would have made me melty before does not even register.  B*st*n’s attentiveness would have had my knees weak a month ago – now I could care less.  It means he gets a response back – that is all.

I hate to sound this cold, but it is an accurate representation of me at this time.  I cannot remember the last time I felt so little.  It is sort of scary.  But probably for the best – less drama, more fun, less heartache.  I barely speak to my friends right now – I just have nothing to offer.  I am in this mood to only deal with strangers – those that I can be whatever/whoever I want to be.   Hell, just to not have to be me for awhile is the only thing that sounds appealing at all right now.

So…what will passionless Mere sound like?  Let’s hope it is at least interesting!