Utter Shit

Cuz I am making lots of faces.  And I think a face would sum it up so much better than words.

I think I am depressed.  Not in the medicated way, just in the door closing and the only thing I was really looking forward to falling apart, and realizing the rest is all crap, and wondering what the fuck I am doing in all areas of my life and do I have the energy it takes to change what needs to change and the ability to embrace a new adventure.

Because all I want to do right now is sit.  I want to stare at walls and clear my mind and forget all this passive aggressive bullshit of “I really want to see you” when he actively picks days and times that will not work even when I explain in advance that they will not work, and….yup.  I just want to stop thinking about all of it.

So last night, I come home, talk to a friend on the phone, really not touching on what is going on until the last 5 minutes of an hour phone call.  I decide to take a bath, and do girlie things like mud masks.  And about a half hour goes by and I look at my phone to see a text from him – “Screw it.  I can be there is 45, yada, yada if you promise you’ll let me go by 9″.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I never texted him back when he was bailing.  I mean, part of me wants to count how many times he has put me off in the last 2 months and another part is TERRIFIED to find out.  So there was no response needed in my book.  This was twice in 3 weekends and I was not going to dignify it with an answer.  It was not ok and I was not going to respond with “word” or “that sucks” or “no problem” or even “fuck you”.  It was not even worth a fuck you.

I am not sure what he interpreted that silence as but that text makes me feel like I berated him for 4 hours.  And the “promise to let me go”?  ARE YOU A FUCKING HOSTAGE?  I think I am more offended by that line than by anything else in this whole exchange.

I have said time and time again I do not want to be an obligation.  I want him to want to see me.  And the message that is coming across is that he so does not.  And he think I am going to beg or plead or tie him down to stay?  I am speechless.  I mean I cannot even find words for a sentence to explain how fucking retarded that is.  I have never once asked him to stay longer, begged, pouted or made him feel guilty for leaving (or for not coming).  Speechless.

Anyway, I did not respond to that text either….because at that point nothing I said was going to be nice.

I am going to go back to making faces.  And not thinking.