Utter Shit

There is a guy (hot married guy) who used to work in my office, and still visits once a week or so that gives great advice.  Even when I am too retarded to hear him.  He has been through the entire friend turned, but it all blew up in a 2 or 3 week period when he was not around.

Could  he have brought me down?  Maybe.  Could he have coached me to make more useful work of my uncontrolled emotions – probably.

Regardless, this is where we are at now, right?  Those two weeks were painful.  I felt these very weird emotions that were not only hard to identify because I am not sure I have ever felt them before – but also because I could not see the correlation – why was I feeling this way about the friend turned?

The overwhelming emotion – the one that took me the longest to name  – was panic.  I was in a panic.  I was panicked at the thought of another week going by without seeing him.  And it is stupid – I mean, come on, I am not that girl.  I do not need to see people.  I usually just choose to move on if I am not getting what I want.  But here I was with this churning gut and teary eyes and….what the fuck?

I would say my usual reaction would have been annoyance at myself.  I would hate myself for saving the evenings, hoping he would come up.

I am still not sure I know what it was all about.  I do not know if I ever will.  And I hope to never feel like that again in this type of situation – sad is ok, annoyed is fine, irritated, jilted, angry, abandoned – any of those would have been emotions I could have dealt with.  But the panic brought me to a screeching halt.

So, I updated the hot married guy on where we stood.  His response was “Just in the spirit of fucking with him [He does know how to work me, doesn't he?] you should email him and say ‘I liked you and I had hoped we could make something work’”.

As we all know, I am not capable of doing what I am told, but I did email – a typical Mere email where I took the blame and said I did not think that silence was going to be the response but it “solidified a few theories in my head” about what was going on, and I am ok with that being the “truth”.  Blah, blah, blah.

I get something back fairly quickly – like within 5 mins – and he says he cannot talk much due to children, but he took my last email (meaning the ones when I put a stop to everything) were saying ‘leave me alone’.

I responded with “No, I was pleading for you to not put salt in the wounds as I was hurting and nothing you were going to say was going to help us with our mutual goal of remaining friends.”

(aside)

Now, my mind is racing.  He did not tell me to fuck off.  He did not say he wants nothing from me.  And my hormones go INSANE.  And I cannot get the “sexy talk” out of my head.  I mean…I am wracking my brain for an alternative just to get rid of the tension – I quickly learned I am lacking anyone in my life that would fill that space, ended up texting the one person who MIGHT and while it was good text, he is too chicken shit to ever act.

(end aside)

“I can understand that then”, he responds, some bs about moving the wife and then that he wants the friendship, but is not sure he is capable of more.

Which shuts me down again.  I am hopeful, but not that it will be anything other than friends, and while I want that, I am not sure I can handle that right now as evidenced by my hormonal surges and overwhelming desire to just make out in the dark with him.  Which is counter-productive to the over all message going between the two of us.

More later…I need dinner.