Filed under: Being Mere, Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
I really have very little to share. Work, work, work – broken record.
Nothing to report on the guy front either. The friend turned has opted for almost total radio silence and the only message coming across is “go away”. Ok, then. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I over-reacted. All I know is I was not in a good place and I had to make a decision for me – and it did not really turn out like I might have secretly hoped, but I got what I wanted – no mixed messages.
It makes me a bit sad that this is how I react when I am unaware of what is going on. I mean in retrospect I see it all perfectly, I just don’t know why, in the moment, I am not able to separate the real message from the propaganda. I mean…part of me knew right? Jeezus – look at the category name…I knew this was a cluster fuck.
Part of me is bitter, because obviously I was the escape, the consolation, prize as I so often stated here. Part is relieved to not have my attention diverted. Part of me is regretful – I never should have started something I was not strong enough to see through. Part of me misses it – which is just plain stupid.
Sigh…oh, well. Onwards, right?
***
My nights are full, though. I seem to be out almost every night. I crave time at home, but am thankful for distractions (and liquor, I am always thankful for liquor).
***
I hate to be a downer. My moods have been all over the map. Angry at clients, frustrated that I have to do everyone else’s job so I can then do my own, sad over news of an illness, happy with new songs on my ipod and random fun. Right now? Just tired. Very tired.
Filed under: dating
Only *I*would get dumped on eh@rm*ny by some guy (AND I SWEAR!!) on the Housewives of the OC. No…REALLY!
Filed under: workouts and healthkicks
I will give more in depth info in a bit….but right now, all I have time for is documenting the pain. My day got hijacked (work – but in a good way) and the only thing I wanted to do was grocery shop and I finally have time now, at 6 pm.
Class was at 9 am. It has been 8 hours since we finished.
Ok…THE PAIN:
Arms shaky until about 3 pm. Hard to text. Arms still “weak” feeling.
Right between the shoulder blades
The right side of my neck
Upper ankle, lower calf on the back in that tendony area – both legs.
Right forearm, midway to wrist.
And a headache but that might be lack of diet coke (see grocery comment above).
Filed under: Being Mere
Yay! Less “woe is me”!!!! Less 
and more laughs!!! Less issues!!!! (ok…no, same issues).
I re-read a personality profile I had done in 2004. This was not a fill in the blanks eh@rm^ny type thing…it was a conversation and then they send you a list and descriptions. And I remember discussing it with them and being blown away – apparently it will always be accurate, I just might find ways to deal with certain aspects.
While reading it I could not help cracking up – this should be given to any man I ever meet. Want to know what her deal is? Read this.
I should read it weekly to remind myself what my hot buttons are – gray areas are not good for my sense of…stability….hm…have we not seen that in the action in the last week?
Highly ethical, with engineer, free spirit, performer, and explorer….those are my top 5 traits. They are also in direct conflict. Ethical wants to do what is right, and engineer wants to do it with systems, a free spirit wants you all to fuck off so I can do it my way and the explorer needs to learn it all the hard way and my performer needs to tell you all about it here.
Is it any wonder I am insane? INSANE!!!
Some items:
“You have your world defined in black and white”
“Truth or clarity are appreciated”
“Natural Predator: Ambiguity”
“Mediocrity is toxic”
“….to dance to the beat of your own drum”
“You need an environment where you can be independent”
My note: The free spirit (which is not how I would define myself, but I see what they mean) is so strong in rules my entire profile.
“You think with structure” Um….beat own drum? Contradiction much?
“You use laughter,…applause or shock as milestones for your achievement”
“Because you evaluate success by the response of others, you can behave innapropriatley (to shake them up a bit) when interacting with people who are designed to be non-responsive”.
“Your attitude is ‘Show me that you care by what you do not what you say’. You need to know the ‘why’s’ to be affirmed”.
There is so much more that relates directly to everything I say here. It is like cheap therapy. I do this because for whatever reason, I am wired this way.
Why, oh why, oh why, am I still in the middle of their divorce? Why is her agent calling me AGAIN? And why is the LISTING AGENT(!!!!) calling me, too?
I actually had to write an apology letter to someone I have never met and say I am sorry your clients think I am better than you, cuz I’m not. I am sorry they keep shoving me down your throat. I am sorry that they so clearly think you are not doing your job. And I am sorry you have to call me and essentially tell me that.
Cuz I would tell him to fuck off and tell her to stop listening to him and let me do my job.
I would not say I am gullible. But I am a person who does not lie or deceive. On occasion I might mislead through omittance, but for the most part I am pretty open.
This becomes a problem only when others do not act the same way. You see, I expect them to act the same way. I trust. I tend to not second guess. At least until things start to smell bad – then I am all up in your shizz trying to figure things out.
I have had an interesting conversation over the last few days. And it suddenly occurred to me, he is not telling me the truth. Not that it matters, he does not owe me the truth, but I am all “fa-la-la”, skipping along like a retard until I JUST NOW realized he is lying.
And it floored me. And it made me laugh. Because I AM LEARNING, people! Learning to not trust! Yay! Ok…maybe not ‘yay’…
I am learning to read between the lines. I am learning to read what is NOT being said. And when you add that in with all the other info, suddenly you are a bit more cautious.
I would love to be perceptive one day.
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
Thank you for the lovely comments. This too shall pass. And feel free to send cocktails!
I have been reading what I have written here..and all I can say is DUH! Fuck, it was coming like a mack truck, I was just denying it, too hopeful to face reality.
And for someone who considers myself a realist – not a dreamer, not one to fantasize – it stings the pride a little. I have to own that *I* was the ass in this situation.
So….enough about that. What I do love is my friends who immediately go into rally mode – middle of the night? They offer drinks. Early in the morning? They offer an ear. (and the interesting part – they are both men. I have not taken this to the girlfriends. No idea why.)
For the first time, I want no support. I really do not even want to talk about it. I would like a day to mourn and then be done with it. I have 2 hours to get over it, get in the shower and head to a clients bbq (who happens to be the one who offered to come over in the middle of the night).
I have spent the day, my first real day off in forever, cleaning closets, laundry, etc. I tried on all my new work out clothes for the boxing class I swore I would start next week. I went through my closet and got rid of things I will never wear again – pants too big, sweaters that swim on me.
I have spent the day getting centered in my own house. Even the cats are surprised I have been here all day. They both follow me around even though they would prefer to nap.
I have danced around in my undies to my new fave song over and over. I will be ok. A little tear stained, but ok.
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
Last night was pretty brutal. I had to cry a few things out and let it all go.
I am a little nervous about the fallout, seeing as I sent a freaking email, which is crap, but I had little choice. I feel guilty that he might not even know yet…he might not know all day…or all weekend. I am not one to spring things on someone. I do not like the drama of it all. But, again, no choice. And I feel guilty for potentially hurting someone I do care about.
Then again, it might be the best email he has received all year.
But I feel better. The eyes are swollen, but the rock in my stomach is much smaller. It was not the decision I wanted to make, but I think in the light of day it was still the right one.
****
Ugh….the response. He says he isn’t relieved. Except that I can see that he is. God, I am glad I was the one to say it. And I am so glad I do not have to work today and can stay buried in my own head.
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
Last week he dared me to look up someone from my past. I did. And he (the past) responded….positively.
It is best not to dare me to do something, especially if it is at odds with that you want from me.
Unless it is not at odds at all.
The mixed messages continue and with aid of a little vodka, some interesting advice from a friends boyfriend and the rock in my gut, I sent an email (lame, I know but it was this or wait for him to drive 45 minutes to do it here and send him on his way??) and told him this is not working.
And while all of me did not want to do it, the independent part is happy. The part of me that was afraid is happy, too. Because I am safe, no one challenging me, no one asking me to explain myself, no one to see through my bullshit.
The rest of me is sad, but I know I could not go through another month…or more?….of mixed messages. I know I would have done something irreversible – picked a fight, said something out of frustration and anger – I would have reacted at some point, all my control gone. I am not good at quiet patience. And as evident at the bank drive through today, I can be caustic when really hurt or pissed. I did it to salvage the friendship.
And maybe I did it because it is best for him. And possibly a relief to him. Not ready to date but not in a place to push someone away. Especially when that someone is one of maybe 2 or 3 people you can run to right now. Not when that someone offers a warm bed and an ear.
And this is funny (to me) because the first night I saw him alone, after the divorce announcement he wanted “dispassionate” advice. And I laughed and reminded him there is NOTHING dispassionate about me. I am all about reaction and passion and opinion and saying things out loud. So the last weeks have been about me going against my nature – which is probably half the reason I have been so miserable.
And here we are…8 weeks later…and while I was not at my breaking point, I was at the point where there were more tears than anything else. And that is the point where you have to let it go. Even if it is not what you want.
I am a huge believer in timing and the timing was all wrong. So why force something?
And I did it. Not him. I made the decision for me.
Because it is not like me to cry this much. It is not like me to allow an email to put a stone in my gut that means I cannot eat for the rest of the day.
Part of me wondered why I was so twisted and what that meant. The rest was over it.
Maybe, at another time, it could have been a great relationship. But he is not in a place to explore that. And there is no reason to drag something out when it will not go anywhere, right?
I had to be the one to do it.
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
I have never been jealous. I have never been one not to trust. It is in my nature.
And I cannot say I am jealous – and really, I am not.
But I am not very trusting right now. And I do not like how that makes me feel.
I sent the “friend turned” an email last night at a respectable hour and got no response. And in this day and age of iPhones and shit…I am not gonna believe he did not get it.
And I am ok with it all. I have no idea what he is doing and I am really starting to not care what he is doing – and when I stop caring, things are doomed.
I am going to say yes to the bbq Saturday. And I am making plans for tonight. I am no longer available. And should I break down and let him come up – and we all know I will, nothing is going to happen. Nothing. No touching. Not until he explains himself. And I believe him. So, this means no booze because I get all mushy when I drink and I need to stay strong.
None of this is worth it to me. Let him go find someone who wants half assed – or find someone he is not going to be half assed with…I am done allowing this behavior. I always wait for the guy to make the decision and I am always left thinking I knew I wanted to stop this weeks ago…so I need to stop this now and be the one making the choice.
