Utter Shit

My head, that is.  Putting it squarely back on my shoulders, straight as can be.

Drama.  So I made out with a friend.  Big fucking deal.  What messed with me is so in my own head and of my own making it is disgusting.

The problem is I tend to over think (ha…hence this little place on the internet) and make things a bigger deal that they are.

What I discovered yesterday as I was writing it all down was that regardless of what he may or may not want from me, I am not willing to get involved.  Because the simple truth is he is in love with someone else – and while he won’t believe it, I KNOW she is coming back.  And I am not going to set myself up to the the placeholder.

He is taking a huge step back and I cannot blame him.  I should have seen it yesterday when our all day plan turned into a quick lunch.  And then he bolted.

But yesterday gave me perspective.  I choose to let this all go.  Could it be amazing?  Maybe.  Could it be disastrous? Hell, yes.  And I am not sure my business can withstand me losing my head over some stupid guy.

It was an expensive weekend, seeing as I had just opted to be done with eH@rm*ny, but needing the distraction I renewed to the tune of $170 that I do not really have right now.  But sanity is priceless, right?

I,too, am taking a step back,  I had hoped he would join me for a fun event on July 4, but now I am not even going to mention it.  I would rather go alone than be turned down….or risk looking needy or like I want more than he is willing to give.  Basically, I am back to making sure I do not look like an asshole – which in not a good place for me to be with a guy since it means I am very careful with my choice of words and actions – and to date I have never had to do this with him.

The thing that has attracted me has been the open communication.  But I am stuck for how to continue – at least right now – without changing the interaction.  He needs to know “more” is not in the back of my head.  And I KNOW I should just tell him this, but it seems so harsh right now.  I crave and I fear defining any of this.

(wrote this earlier this week or over the weekend…but it will make the next post make more sense, I think)