Utter Shit

I am not good at hiding emotion.  The last few days have been filled with sighs, hurumphs, shaking my head for no reason, losing track of what I am doing, funny little repetitive hand movements that make noise.

Tension.  Confusion.  Disbelief.

The events of Saturday night do not leave me feeling as I think I should.  I want to be giddy and smiling.  I want excitement.

And it isn’t there.  And I don’t know why.

Ok…maybe I do know why.  The layers of drama involved, the lack of walls I am left with, the…hatred(?) that I think is headed my way is paralyzing.  I think I am worried I will not get the truth from him about the girlfriend (who is apparently gone, but I fear she will get bored and come back).  The drama of his wife openly not liking me (recent development as far as I know that started with a poker game where I was 100% innocent).

And let’s put it all out there – total fear of not being able to measure up to this fantastic (and crazy) girlfriend (fuck buddy is more accurate) that caused him to lose sleep, not eat, and fall hard.

And that is only if it continues.  W thinks he is serious.  I am just not so sure.  I know I always look for the worst…but…

***

Just read about 3 or 4 weeks of emails.  He IS wrapped up with the girlfriend.  June 6 he is telling me how head over heels he is for the gf.  What is that?  2 weeks ago?

I need to step back.  I possibly need to cancel our Saturday plans.  I need to trust my gut which says the timing is all wrong on this.