Filed under: Being Mere
eH*rm^ny just matched me with a Farmer/Janitor. It is like eH*rm^ny does not know me at all….sort of like the time a friend tried to set me up with an adult who plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Really? Me? Do I seem the type to farm, clean or pay D&D? Do I seem the type to want to hang with people who do? I am gonna go with NO.
***
Had a really great morning where I was convinced I was the best realtor ever…only to be smacked down by a STUPID mistake. I beat the living crap out of myself. I pondered running away from it all.
Then I begged. Then I pleaded. Then I fixed it. Hero again! But still not happy that I was not perfect (which should manifest in other ways like a nice case of anorexia instead of this shit).
(Yes…not a PC thing to say…but still, I believe my life would be better if I was a size 4) (SHIT! I KNOW it would be better at a 4. I see girls less smart, less funny, but SKINNY married and having it all – what do I have? NOTHING.) End rant.
***
Got new topical acne meds (off the antibiotics). This one comes with 2 vials that you need to mix. One is terracotta colored and you add a chocolate red to it. Then you smear on your face.
……
……
……
I look like I smeared pudding on my face. WHAT THE FUCK??
There is an option for no color….why oh why did they start me with color? Give me the NO COLOR first! Asshats.
***
Overall, I am just a little bitter today. I am tired of working so hard for pennies. I am tired of all of it. I am not sure if I need a vacation or a life change.
Maybe just a nap?
Filed under: Being Mere, Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!, dating
I am not good at hiding emotion. The last few days have been filled with sighs, hurumphs, shaking my head for no reason, losing track of what I am doing, funny little repetitive hand movements that make noise.
Tension. Confusion. Disbelief.
The events of Saturday night do not leave me feeling as I think I should. I want to be giddy and smiling. I want excitement.
And it isn’t there. And I don’t know why.
Ok…maybe I do know why. The layers of drama involved, the lack of walls I am left with, the…hatred(?) that I think is headed my way is paralyzing. I think I am worried I will not get the truth from him about the girlfriend (who is apparently gone, but I fear she will get bored and come back). The drama of his wife openly not liking me (recent development as far as I know that started with a poker game where I was 100% innocent).
And let’s put it all out there – total fear of not being able to measure up to this fantastic (and crazy) girlfriend (fuck buddy is more accurate) that caused him to lose sleep, not eat, and fall hard.
And that is only if it continues. W thinks he is serious. I am just not so sure. I know I always look for the worst…but…
***
Just read about 3 or 4 weeks of emails. He IS wrapped up with the girlfriend. June 6 he is telling me how head over heels he is for the gf. What is that? 2 weeks ago?
I need to step back. I possibly need to cancel our Saturday plans. I need to trust my gut which says the timing is all wrong on this.
Yesterday I commented about a friend’s openness to being hurt and all that jazz. Long story short, he is getting a divorce (no one knows why he married her) and apparently has fallen head over heels for someone else.
Drama.
I was called in to decipher the new girlfriends motives/wants/needs/level of crazy. I was supportive and told him my honest opinion.
The next day we chatted via email real quick and I said “I am glad you are pursuing the relationship with her” and he said “I’m over it”.
What I did not tell him was what he started that night. It was one of the best, most open conversations I have had with a man….maybe ever. And my brain started going…and going….and I could not turn it off.
Some of the things he said were exactly what my deepest fantasies (that I will barely admit to) (and I am not talking sex here!) would require.
So…here is this guy with a wife he is trying to get rid of…a girlfriend who is playing major games….and now, NOW, I am curious. Way to give yourself a complete mind fuck.
I barely know how to continue this. So I guess I will go to the shortest version – I have known him for almost 13 years. I have never ever wanted to make out with him. I have always had a sneaking suspicion that in his mind the option for more was there, but he was married. He popped into my life every few years to check on me and then would go again.
So it was a surprise to feel this way and then to get so wrapped up in it that it was all I could think about for more than two weeks.
Then, lets add my summer plan to drink as much as possible…and well….shit. Not that he is innocent…we both knew what we were doing.
I think we are both sitting here confused. I am pretty sure this is going nowhere. I do not even know what to think. I am pretty sure the 2 hours of sleep are not helping my emotional state or my ability to think.
I just texted him that I hoped we had not just added an unnecessary level of drama to his life, to our friendship. He sent back that he has no expectations “nor boundaries” whatever the fuck that means.
Argh….fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Filed under: dating
Four months after the first….
Today I went wine tasting with the doctahh.
After a chat with a friend a few weeks ago, impressed with said friends openness to being hurt, I emailed the doctahh. He called 5 minutes later.
The doctahh was upset that I had been in his hood and had not called. I emailed him a few days ago that I would be there in 2 weeks and he responded with “I have plans on that date, but what about Saturday?”
I responded with yes AND HE CALLED AGAIN to firm up plans. Sometimes they do learn!
Anyway…it was cold as fuck and I was drunk after 3 tastes but it really was a good time. We went on a short hike afterwards and I think I was ok. No whining at least!
Lots of making out. Which was fun. No idea what happens now, but it was certainly a nice way to spend a day.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Words have the ability to hurt. And that is not something I ever wanted this blog to do. I am happy to share the password with readers I know or readers (ha, like there is anyone left?) that would like to introduce themselves. I do not check the email attached to this, so leave me a comment to remind me to check email.
Filed under: life changes
Filed under: Uncategorized
I love other people’s drama. Know why? Becasue my own dram tires me out to the point of not even wanting to talk about it.
Filed under: Life in the Burbs
I do mean to update you on all the drama, but first a note about where my head is at.
I am ready to move. I am SO OVER the burbs. Over, over, over, over it. And I have not been able to articulate why very well.
Then tonight, as I was shopping for food for a shower (for a wedding I am not in) with money I do not have, I saw it. THE BEST representation of why I am so sick of this area.
Picture this: A long lanky thing coming out of McD’s wearing skinny jeans with a baggy ass (not hot), some sort of dark tee, hooked nose and rat like face much like Ichebod, and a bluetooth thingiemabobber.
Usually, not a big deal. Possibly annoying, but not the end of the world. But I know this guy. I worked with him when I was 17 at the movie theater. He was a tard then and nothing much has changed.
Now? He is a cashier at Long’s. SO WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED A BLUETOOTH ATTACHED TO HIS EAR ALL DAY??!!
I know this is picky. I know it is very judgy. But my god, when the cashier and stock boy (in his mid thirties) needs a bluetooth attached to his ear while he eats then the world has gone to hell in a hand basket, in my opinion.
I went out with a newer friend last night. And I guess I have a lot bottled up because I dumped all over that poor woman. Thankfully, I did not cry.
Part of what we talked about was writing. And I told her how the psychic told me to write and that I do love it when it isn’t a chore.
And this upcoming week – it cannot be a chore. There is SO much crap to share. Here is a list so I can keep it straight.
1) The acne saga
2) The state of my finances – horrifying AND pathetic AND depressing!
3) The party drama from last weekend – I am scarred. And where I show how damaged I am that I woke convinced it was all my fault.
4) The old friend saga – where I wonder if Mr. Right has been under my nose for 10+ years
5) The brother drama – it keeps coming and coming
I will be back as often as I can to get this all out.
