Utter Shit

It is hard to explain what I have been doing.  I can very well explain what I have not been doing – dating, reading my blogroll, having fun, cleaning, making money.

Ok…here is what is up in no particular order -

1) I finished painting the nightstands only to be told that I put the handles on upside down.  They have not yet been righted.

2) I bought a door for $35 at the Alameda Antiques By the Bay to make into a headboard – it rests in my garage – untouched.

3) I went with Cathy to see Dooce read from her new book.   It was fun to do something so different than the usual (which these days is mostly work and maybe crying from fatigue) and to meet a new person and have a girl date.  Fun!

4) I went to a conference.  I learned that we seem to have hit bottom in CA.  And that I should expect 18 more months of this market.  What should have excited me actually crushed me.  I think looking ahead 18 months….I am not sure I can keep up the pace.  I am exhausted.  I am neglecting things I do not want to neglect.

5) I am having angst over work.  I mean ALL I do is work.  And when I am alone, heading back to the office at 7 pm at night for the third night in a row I start to wonder if I really want to sacrifice EVERYTHING for this stupid motherfucking job?  I mean I have no time to fold laundry (we have heard that one before, right?), watch TV, relax (I actually feel guilty when at 9 I HAVE to stop working).  And that little anti-establishment (really little) part of me starts to tell me to throw it all away and go live in a commune – I mean shit, it ain’t like I have time to shave my legs anyway, why not make it work for me?

6) And that little blurb above is why I am not here.  I have not been here in so long it took me 4 tries to figure out my password (new computer so it was not saved).  I have nothing to report.  I am half angry and half sad most of the time.  I have to save whatever “nice” I have for the clients (and I am not so good at that some days).  The biggest part is that the huge bills keep rolling in and the deals are in the pipeline but you have to work SO HARD to get just one closed and the checks are so small that you have to close so many and it is all so overwhelming to think of the sheer amount of hours I need to work for the next 18 months just to survive and the impossible hours it would take to prosper and maybe pay the freaking IRS their $13K they want from last year.

7) All I feel these days is frustration – that I am always behind on what I have to do, that I never have enough time to do anything I want to do, that the mom is incapable of helping since she refuses to learn new things and I am too swamped to be able to teach her anyway, so I just do it myself so I might be able to finally go home and be quiet.  I am frustrated that on TUESDAY I made a shopping list and I have not had time to run to Safeway for cereal.

I am cancelling my business coach, netflix, bootcamp, and allowing myself half what I usually spend at the grocery store (so maybe it is good I do not have time to go?).  I have 5 pending deals and not one is over $3400 in commission – fuck – one is for $500.  I swear!  And I am not sure when they will close since every last one of them is a short sale.  I have 7 deals that will most likely turn into checks in the next 90 days.  Then I have another 10 maybe deals or deals that will happen later this year.  There are agents who would kill for that pipeline – 22 deals – half of what I need to close this year to make a little bit more than I did last year.  Only 4 closed so far…2 more due to close…42 more to close to make some real cash.   Just thinking about it makes me tired.

9) I may have found a doctor that believes that my skin is not perfect.  Now I have to wait for my stupid mail order pharmacy to send me the stuff but I am hoping this is it.  He is on the peninsula, so quite a drive, but worth it if he listens.

10) Um…I had ice cream for dinner.   With chocolate sauce and I smooshed it all up in the bowl to make a sort of milkshake.   That is happy right?

Now…aren’t you sorry you asked where I have been?  I will attempt happier posts.  I will try to recognize those ironic little things that only tend to happen in my life (like my dearest friend trying to set me up with an ADULT who still plays dungeons and dragons)