Utter Shit

I am feeling uncharitable tonight.  And it is not sitting well in my stomach.

I stop to think am I usually charitable?  I don’t think so.  I do not live in a state of charity…but I tend to live in a state of service (and now I hate the title because this is sounding religious when obviously it is SO NOT).

My default state of being is to make things easier on people.  As easy as I can…as long as it is within my power.  And for the most part I do it because it makes me feel good.

I allow, I make myself available, I flex.

And I often hear a thank you.  Most of the time.  I tend to notice when I do not.

But I am also pragmatic.  And that means I do not care what you say…I care what you do.

And I hate when I am suddenly here.  Not wanting to bend or help or answer.  Why is the only other option to stop, clam up, clench?

This is nothing major….stupid petty little things that just add up to an annoyance.  It is not the end of the world.  But it is a lightbulb.  This is not the first time.  Will it be the last?

I try to live in balance.  I strive to not have things one sided and would rather be owed than owe.  But at what point is it no longer good practice?  At what point are you constantly the one to give more?  At what point are you owed so much they cannot hope to payback the giver?