Filed under: Uncategorized
I took a mini vacation of sorts this weekend, choosing to check out of my life for 48 hours.
And where did I go? Oakley. Keep the comments to yourselves, please.
I had no laptop, the phone was on vibrate, the TV was loud, the booze were flowing, the company was quiet but attentive, and I slept almost not at all.
And it was almost perfect. But those are stories for another time.
The real stories are what I was avoiding this weekend. And the reason I felt I deserved a bit of…denial?…escapism?…freedom?…..??? Whatever. The opportunity fell into my lap at the prefect time and I took it.
More and more, I think life is about timing. It is about being open to the possibilities in front of you. And I find that sort of exciting – even though it takes fate and maybe even free will out of it.
Wednesday night, D and I went to a local dive bar to celebrate the beginning of the holidays and I think we celebrated the fact that vodka exists. Love you, vodka!
Long story short, we had a plan. We wanted to see our old bowling buddies. The ones that were so much fun to drink and flirt with. We missed those nights.
Well, the plan worked. And I LOVE that pretty much as soon as they walk in, the dirt starts flying. One is in my face asking me if I am dating. And while I may have exaggerated a little tiny bit, the answer is yes….I think I am. Although, I left out the “think”. And what is more? I think I am trying to date someone that I really do find interesting. And the best part? I am too busy to obsess and too busy to have any expectations from the whole thing. I am dealing from a place of honesty (no games) and effort. Which is so weird. I have been dating for 20 years and I have played (and been played by) more games than I can count. So, this is refreshing.
Anyway….the rest of the dirt is that the one bowling buddy – the one I found so fascinating – made sure my friend knew his situation. His story is that when we first met he had just gotten out of some relationship and he was not “ready”. Now, heaven forbid he could just SAY THAT to me at the time, right? But no, weeks (months?) later he tells my friend that now he is ready.
Except that I am not. I am not ready to make the concessions to fit him in my life. The shiny, fun, sexy aspect is gone now. The timing is wrong. What was once fun is now tiring. Where once the game was a challenge, now it is just childish, especially from a 36 year old “man”. Especially when a 30 year old is not playing those games.
Something to ponder, this lovely timing.
I have been walking a tightrope for most of this year. I believe I have bitched about it enough, right? Dealing with my work schedule, attempting a social life (as meager as it is), being on the leash that is my cell phone, learning the adult world of cancer and adultery, and everything else life brings, has aged me this year.
I mean, I LITERALLY look older than one year ago. Much older. Not distinguished older. Just baggy and lined.
And as I sit here PISSED that the only 4 hours I needed off this entire year have been usurped, I wonder why the fuck I do any of this? I especially wonder why I do so much for others when I cannot do one goddamn thing for myself.
But that isn’t really why I am writing tonight. What I wanted to write….before the anger bubbled forth (sorry about that) is that tomorrow I take one little step in relieving the pressure.
I have a cleaning lady coming.
So what am I doing now? Frantically cleaning up, so the cleaning lady does not think I am a total pig.
(This is going to sound snotty and conceited. And I do not care. But it is not written from that frame of mind.)
I do not have any gossip about the wedding reception, so let’s move on to the bday party.
I called my friend for the party wrap up conversation. Why was that couple in a fight, did anyone say anything juicy, who got drunk (bday girl), etc.
At the end of the conversation she says something about me and one of her friends. This is a gal I have not met before. I have heard some stories, but nothing interesting enough to stick. In my mind, she is just another friend of a friend.
Well, I guess people have mentioned me and she was wondering why we had never met. I guess she was excited to meet me. Everything about that sentence is weird.
So when I walked in after an hour drive to a party in full swing, this whirling blond is sort of in my face. I pretty much brush everyone away and run off to pee. Upon returning to the main room, she is back in my face. I say hi…again, nothing to report. No real impression, just a hi.
As the night goes on, she gets louder. And she keeps saying “I am the youngest of five, I have to be loud”. And I keep thinking, but we are grown now, why are you still competing?
At one point the loud girl sits with the bday girl to open presents and she had a nasty remark about each gift and each gift giver…I think they were supposed to be funny, but nasty remarks just to hear your own voice is annoying and certainly not funny.
A while later she is back in my face. “So excited to finally meet you, heard so much about you…” blah, blah, blah.
Then she says, “From what I have heard we are very alike. We both like to control a room”.
I think I smiled tightly and moved on to the next conversation. It isn’t that I didn’t like her….except that it is that I did not like her. I do not like being told who or what I am by a stranger. And I especially hate being told I am just like this person based on stories they have heard about me. If you think we are alike, watch and see if we are. Because we are not similar.
Specifically, I hated that “we both control a room” comment. I mean, I know I can control a room. I am funny enough, and when in the right mood can be downright hilarious in the right situations. But I do not “control” a room by demanding attention and talking over everyone else. A bigger statement can be made with a whisper. And anyone who knows me knows I love to whisper. And as far as controlling a room – which is a stupid statement, let’s call it what it is, being the center of attention – I do not like to….I can enjoy it on occasion if the time is right. And I certainly so not NEED to. I did not take over a room that entire night.
Well, I guess I left about 1 am or so. And the moment I left the loud girl says “She didn’t like me”. The bday girl poo-poohed that thought. “Well, it isn’t as if I care” the loud girl follows up with. Except that she totally DOES care. And I wonder why…I have not run into her in the years I have been friends with this group, and may never run into her again, so who cares if I like her or not, right?
I think she heard some funny stories about me from some people at the party. A few of the people there are as big of fans of me as I am of them. And I think the stories were probably well told, and made me sound brasher than I am and louder than I am, and probably were taken out of context with no information on the actual audience size. And she thinks people talk about her the same way they talk about me. So naturally, if they talk about us the same, we will be the same and then be best friends the moment we meet, right?
The truth is, I like small audiences. I do not need the whole party to hear me, just the person closest to me. I do these things because they amuse me. Not for attention from others. Attention is just a by-product of being witty enough to entertain the person next to you, so that someone else wants to hear it, too.
Anyway. I am sorry she was so disappointed we were not immediate BFF’s. Maybe next time she will check her expectations and try to get to know me instead of the stories about me. Maybe next time her insecurity will not be so blinding and she can speak in a normal indoor voice instead of bullying everyone with her shrieks of indignation.
Or maybe it will be just like last night and I can continue to flinch when she “controls a room”.
Filed under: Work
The house I am holding open today has been vacant since July. This was the first weekend where you could feel it. The house was cold. 55 degrees. I am in a tee shirt and light pants and peep-toe heels. The pilot light seems to be out on both the heater and the water heater. But what do I know about pilot lights? All I know is the heat has been on for an hour and the air blowing out of the vents is cool.
I have taken my folding chair and my laptop to the front porch to sit in the sun. Tacky? Yes. Necessary? Totally!
This was such a great weekend.
I had an awesome dress and attended a wonderful wedding reception for some of my favorite people. They had transformed their backyard into a warm, inviting dinner party for about 100. I got to sit at the cool table with fun people (I was the only single girl at the table, and there was one straight couple and the rest were gorgeous gay men – HEAVEN). It was just the perfect celebration. And it got better when one of mothers of the groom asked me about the guy I had brought and I laughed out loud. “No one at my table likes girls, so none of those guys belong to me.”
Then, I had to run to a bday party for my friend with cancer. The original plan had been for her to have surgery this last week, but due to a well timed screw up, it was pushed to 12/1. And instead of convalescing, we got to party. And it was quite a party. Tons of food, tons of people, tons of wine. Lots of boob grabbing. It was so nice to be able to celebrate one last time before this all gets even more real.
So…9:30 am working, 4:30 wedding, 9:30 party, 1:30 home = TIRED.
And I am off to work some more today. Wheee!
Filed under: Work
Ah, this damn real estate market. It keeps me on my toes. It is making me look at things from all sides. It has created a pretty damn good agent.
Today, after days of discussion, I had to do something in a transaction that turned my stomach. It was not immoral or unethical, nothing gross or against my personal beliefs. It was just something that would so completely piss me off if I was the listing agent, that I did not want to do it.
I did it. I HAD to do it. And I had to eat crow and write a letter I did not want to write and make a call I REALLY did not want to make.
And no one blasted me. No one reacted with the stony silence I would have reacted with. And I am grateful for that. It might not turn out the way I want it to, and that is ok, because I did everything, including something I did not want to do, to make this work.
And I am proud of myself, not only for doing it, but doing it with a bit of grace.
Filed under: life changes
I was on the phone with my friend with cancer today. I hate that sentence.
I have spoken to her every day for the last few weeks if not months. In the beginning of her treatment I found it hard to talk to her because the chemo was making her sick and she was in a place of severe negativity. And I was lost for how to deal with her and the whole situation. But every time I took a break from calling more bad news came down the pike. So, I resolved to call and keep calling because I could not deal with any more bad news.
And here we are. Almost 5 months later. And we talk every day. And the conversations are normal. Of course they touch on how she feels and what the latest doctors appointment has determined, but this has hijacked her life, so it is not like it can be ignored. Once we get through that, we talk about the normal stuff.
Today, I cannot remember why I called…I think to tell her something stupid I did. I never got to tell story. We started with some drama between friends that had us both cracking up in disbelief and horror. Then (and I hope she will not hate me for sharing this) she started with a story of an old flame calling today for the express purpose of having sex. To make a long story short, she is no longer really attracted to him, but he was pretty relentless and came over anyway.
A major theme over the last few weeks was her desire for someone to come enjoy her boobs while she still had them. She is not dating anyone and was wondering who would be the last person to touch them.
And it was him. And THAT is all she can think while he is there. “This is not supposed to happen this way. Not someone I am no longer into”. And she is not even into it. She does not want this guy and not in this way and just not HIM. She sent him away.
And I made some joke about us all grabbing her boobs at her bday party tomorrow night.
Only 3 hours later, and I have no idea why, I started to cry. Because all of the sudden it is final. She is actually losing parts of her body in 10 days. And I am so sorry she has to go through this. And the enormity of how fucking unfair it is has hit me. And there is nothing I can do to change it. And nothing I can do to make her feel any better. And I hate every part of this. And I get that she has to save her life. I KNOW there are no other choices. I am just so sad.
I have 2 deals falling apart right now. Sigh….$@#$%^&*&^%^&*(*()()(*()@#$%^&. Or something like that. I am doing things I NEVER thought I would do in real estate, but whatever. I sleep well at night knowing I have left no stone unturned.
On the boy front, I was CONVINCED I was being dumped (which is my default state of mind with boys AND clients) by the new young pup. He had left a message earlier this week, and I had called back within hours to get voice mail. No return call for a few days. Huh.
So, instead of doing what I usually do (delete his number from my phone) I made one last call. And got voice mail. I left a breezy message about my “shit-tastic” week. Figuring I would never hear from him, I went about my evening of having the worlds worst fish stick which threatened to come forward all night long.
He called back, chatted for a bit, told me he had a meeting with his fishing group (seriously?) and would call in an hour or so.
He did.
The moral of the story? With work and boys? (Remember when I used to have Doogie moments all the time? This is SO a Doogie moment). Is to give it a last shot. With the deals this means more work. It means phone calls all over the freaking country (no, really), and asking the sellers to do something you yourself would not do, but it is the only way to save the deal. It might not be fun, but at least you have an answer at the end of it, with no questions about the what-if outcome.
With that in mind, I am off to write a counter asking for more credits for an already negotiated deal. This is gonna huuuuuuuuuurt.
Filed under: that damn internet
Goddamn Facebook.
So….opinions please. And feel free to tell me I am a horrible person.
Growing up, my parents had some good friends that had a daughter close to my age that was….special. Probably fetal alcohol syndrome, quite frankly. I had to spend countless weekend nights and holidays of my childhood with her. We were not friends. We had to hang out, and I think we played with her dog or watched TV. She was a brat and spoiled (I am sure due to guilt, see unconfirmed diagnosis above). We went to high school together and may have graduated the same year (I can’t remember) but she was older than I was, and I do not think we ever spoke at school.
There are gross things I could say, too. But I won’t. But it is the gross things I remember. And she may be a functioning adult (hell, she got married, not like I can find a guy), but I have not spoken to her since her mother passed away….15 years ago?
I always knew that even if I was a non-believer I was going to heaven for spending so many of my holidays with this gal and never complaining (ok…not a lot). I knew I had been kind, but not friendly. I was forced to deal with someone I never would have wanted to know. Someone, regardless of issues that I did not really like (spoiled, brat, loud, etc).
She has sent me a friend request. And it sort of makes me want to shut down the whole fucking thing. Am I an asshole? Can I decline? Or does that make me the worst person ever? She keeps in touch with my parents, and they always shield me from having to have dinner with her.
Crap.
