Utter Shit

As my lender reminded me today – I hate people. So why then am I allowing this boy to come in and take over my life?

That is the $64K question, isn’t it?

I hated having roommates. I could not stand people in my house, touching my stuff, using all of the hot water and breathing. But for some strange reason I can spend Saturday night with him in a different city and STILL want him to spend the next 4 nights at my house. I can handle that he uses ALL the hot water (what do boys DO in the shower? Shit), SNORES, and turns over in bed like a steamroller. It is all sort of comforting. Which is weird.

I sort of sit around, shell shocked. This is not who I might picture spending my life with. I always thought he would have dark hair. And be funnier. And certainly older.

He seems sure. He is more than sure. And being sure is great for the person who is sure. But the unsure person sort of feels like an ass. Why am I not sure? Am I too cautious? Too jaded? Too insecure with myself to think anyone could like ALL of me?

I am having fun. I enjoy the time we spend together – even when both of us sit on the bed with a laptop – him checking stocks and me checking blogs, the cats laying between us.

We seem to have no secrets. There is no subject we cannot talk into the ground. And I know that I can bring up any issue to be discussed to satisfaction.

AND THAT IS SO NOT ME!! I do not discuss – I stew. I bottle things up and bite my tongue until I explode. So who the hell is this mature Mere that is suddenly inhabiting my body? Because I liked the old moody, demanding Mere. She had spunk. This New Mere is all “can you explain that comment?” instead of flying off the handle, offended to the core.

I am not sure what it will take for me to know for sure. I do not really understand what makes him sure. He talks of chemistry. And my experience with chemistry is more drunk and making out in a bar than long calm chats about how I am never moving to Texas (don’t ask why that one came up).

So I am along for the ride, for now. Not freaking over the talk of marriage. Not sure that is what I want from this situation. Part of me seeing the future, part of me wondering if there needs to be fireworks.

So my question to you – how did you KNOW?  Were there fireworks?   Was it a feeling in your gut?  Or in your loins?  Was it more about timing?  Had you met him/her 5 years earlier would it have been the same?