Filed under: Being Mere
Boy, am I tired. This week has just gone on and on and on. And if I am not running to look at a fence issue I am running out to cocktails or trying to attack my Christmas shopping.
Today I went from listing appointment to snazzy lunch to a party to shop at a huge mall a half hour away (started yawning as soon as I hit the door of the mall and I am sure it was my brain begging to go home and NOT be put through that hell), then I went to another mall just to make sure the torture was complete.
Now? TIRED! I almost had tomorrow off but now I am showing property and I have to find time to clean this house. It is icky.
I could have started tonight, but my nails looked like hell so I am trying to type very carefully as they dry.
I know I am boring! I am not sure how to fix that, but I will try to think of something (like checking my eh@rm*ny acct?!?)
Filed under: Being Mere
I am that gal that HAS to be done with most (if not all) of my holiday shopping by the time the Black Friday sale comes around. I just do not have the patience for a crowded mall and stacks of tacky sweaters in 23 colors.
Some very nice clients sent along Gap friends and family. And I had NINE kids to buy for this year. NINE! Stop reproducing, people!
Anyway, I got all but 2 toys for my niece and nephew purchased (and I have them all ready to go on Amazon).
This means I need a few stocking stuffers for the niece and nephew, a few small things for 2 friends, some books or whatever for my mother, father, and uncle, and a gift for grandma.
Then I need hostess gifts for parties and I am DONE! Mom, Dad and Uncle will likely choose some sort of theater thing to go enjoy instead of gifts. I am pushing for Vegas and Cirque. But whatever.
I intend to enjoy this holiday season, which officially starts with a party this weekend. It feels good to have most of the hard stuff done!
(And I am drunk off of one cocktail and am so ready for bed. At 8:30!!!)
Today I am working on my Christmas list. Not what I want, but who I need to buy for and any ideas I have for them.
I find it funny how you can find the perfect $10 gift for someone and then there are times you cannot think of one damn thing for someone else. Even for 10 times that amount.
Most of my friends I am asking if we can *do* something instead of *buy* something. This year just went way too fast and I would rather spend time doing anything than opening something I do not need or giving something that is not needed. Hence, I am trying to institute a $10 limit and then a plan for pedi’s or drinks or museums or anything! Shit! I would be happy with pj’s and couch time – also known as how I spent last night!
So, I am feeling grateful as I go through the list. These people who have stuck around over the last few years as I have lost my mind and generally ignored them for work. I wish I had tons of cash to buy them all what they deserve.
My grandmother is sort of deciding she would like to die soon. And I think that is what is driving home the point that time will actually mean more than anything else. My mother has said for at least the last 7 years that it could be her last holiday – and for the first time I think it might. She weighs 78 pounds and she fell recently and banged herself up and she sort of decided she did not want to get better. All of her friends are gone or have lost their marbles – I think she is bored. I asked if she would take anti-depressants for a few months – just to try them out and see if it would bring back her appetite. But she won’t.
So, this holiday season will not be about stuff. It will be about laughter and quiet times and just being together. It will be about shared histories and toasting the unknown future. This year has been another whirlwind and I want to be able to take a deep breath and enjoy a few moments. I want to reflect on how lucky I am and I want to think about what I want from next year.
Where post offices and banks are closed and the rest of us have to work! YAY!!!
I got a whole hour and a half of sleep last night. And I wish there a good reason. I think it is just a toxic combination of way too much wine, no ventilation in my room, cats hissing at each other between my legs, and my system just being “off”.
I have been on a white flour carby goodness BINGE. And I am breaking out, puffy, 2 pounds heavier, retaining water and possibly other things.
English muffins are my downfall. I LOVE them. And a 2 for 1 deal means I have twice as many things that I do not need in the house!
I think I will go throw the rest out. I also have asparagus in the fridge – maybe that would be a better idea for this girl, huh?
I am waiting on a check. Stupid referrals always take too damn long to get to us. The house closed last week. The checks went out on that day – so why can my company not process it so I can pay some billz.
Anyway…I am heading to work to do the 5 or 6 small things I need accomplish (a few of which are personal errands, but all things go on the list and count as work around here!)
Then I am heading home to nap. Cuz I think this rosy outlook is going to change in 3 hours!
Filed under: dating
I had a date last night.
I tarted up to spend 4 hours across from someone I am never going to want to see naked. What a waste of time. I would have rather cleaned out my nightstand.
I am thinking of joining M@tch instead. I am feeling good enough about myself to be able to meet people a few nights a week. eH@rm*ny is just so much work. I don’t care about your inner feelings right now…mostly cuz I do not care about you.
Might as well practice date while I am so anti-boy, right? Not like I have a ton of other things going on.
Filed under: Being Mere
I once learned in a conference that less than 41% of households making over $100K live with a spending plan or budget.
I was one of the 59%. I grew up with self employed parents. We either had or we did not. They shared when they had and we all suffered when there was nothing. Not in a bad way – my brother still played soccer and we were not without food. But there were times when there was nothing extra.
So here I am, working with an income that fluctuates, finally at a point where there is no more leeway. Things came crashing to a halt this summer.
And it was likely the best thing that ever happened to me – or so I keep telling myself.
For the first time I have an actual budget. I can see where the money is coming from and going in the next 8 weeks.
And right now, between checks, with an overdrawn checking account and behind on half my bills, and I think $7 in “savings” (HA!), I had to make a choice. I had about $250 cash on me. I am getting my hair colored Friday – not negotiable, $105. Leaving me JUST enough to either sign up for kickboxing or get my hair cut which it desperately needs.
Now, I GUESS I could go to Super Cuts or some shit – but my hair is the only thing that is always (until recently, since it is overgrown) pretty and I will give up pedicures and manicures and cleaning ladies (oh yes, fired them! Cleaning my own fucking house), and new clothes and new makeup and fancy creams, and nights out, and everything else, but I AM NOT giving up haircuts.
I decided my hair will win over my ass. I will figure out a way to pay for the kickboxing – I might even beg my mother (who paid my health insurance this week which is why I have cash – that my dad had given me to pay my health insurance. Spoiled? Yup).
So, come Friday I think I will have $8 to my name until the end of the month. And I am ok with it.
My hair had better rock on Friday.
Cuz I also have a “date”.
Filed under: workouts and healthkicks
I went to a new kickboxing class last night. It was way too Billy Blanks Tae bo or whatever for me. A little too much with the jazzercise portion. And no actual kicking. You did leg movements that led you to sort of push the bag with your toes….WTF? I wanna kick the crap outta something! I LIKE the bruises all up and down my shins – it ain’t like I wear skirts all that often!
But I am sore. Right now it is hurting around the outer arm/lower shoulder area, and the glutes and the back right between my shoulder blades. A good hurt – not like the first time I went to the other class. I feel like I am standing up straighter already. And I am in a better mood – so I have to make working out a priority.
I took my measurements yesterday for the hell of it – I got in the habit in my late 20’s when I worked out with a trainer. They measurements were good – for me, anyway. I should be thrilled. But I saw some pics of me from mid-Sept and I look like hell. And I am sorta wondering if it isn’t actually more clothing related. Almost every thing is a little too big. There are belt loops in danger of falling off of my jeans because I use them to haul the pants back up all day long.
But I am broke.
I think of good titles in the shower – but a shower was 12+ hours ago and now I have no idea!
So, the friend turned has not contacted me – only some retarded post on FB that I assume was directed towards me in some way, but whatever.
In the meantime, I am over it. He has made some lifestyle choices that I can respect but I am not sure I could incorporate them into my life. And you cannot un-know something. And it would have created a trust issue that would have resulted in a faulty foundation – not that I was super trusting of him as it was.
To keep myself entertained I am casually seeing someone from eh@rm*ny. Very casual. Like not even sure I want to make out with him.
And then, in a fit of boredom, I posted a quick little cl ad looking for a partner in crime – I essentially said I do not want to fall for you, lets just hang and have fun. And it was deleted 12 hours later, but one respondent has caught my attention.
B*st*n is what we will call him….for that hot little Massachusetts accent. I have always had a thing for that accent and that attitude. They have no fear. They are not at all like these California pussies who do not want you to invade their lives. A B*st*n guy will just tell you to get the fuck off of his lawn. He will not care if you think he is an asshole because he IS an asshole.
This one is sort of hot. So we had a quick drink last week and now have plans for Tuesday. I have no expectations from him and it feels good. If we hang – great. If we do not hear from each other all week – fine!
I have a plan to amass a few go-to guys for entertainment purposes. I always have these opportunities for tickets to games and such and no one to take – that needs to change.
I do not want to get attached to any of them. I am fairly sure I will remain essentially single forever. I am not meant to get married and have kids or any of that. And I need to remember that. There will be no guy that wants to say ‘forever’ to me – I am just not that girl. For all the reasons that I like myself, I am not that girl.
And possibly that is the key for being happy – just accepting what is in the cards for you. Because the men I truly fall for are all so flawed.
So, my new rule is to do for me. I am done making things easy for them. It either makes me happy, or I am not involved. My heart is totally closed off. What would have made me melty before does not even register. B*st*n’s attentiveness would have had my knees weak a month ago – now I could care less. It means he gets a response back – that is all.
I hate to sound this cold, but it is an accurate representation of me at this time. I cannot remember the last time I felt so little. It is sort of scary. But probably for the best – less drama, more fun, less heartache. I barely speak to my friends right now – I just have nothing to offer. I am in this mood to only deal with strangers – those that I can be whatever/whoever I want to be. Hell, just to not have to be me for awhile is the only thing that sounds appealing at all right now.
So…what will passionless Mere sound like? Let’s hope it is at least interesting!
Filed under: Being Mere, Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!
I don’t know.
I think my own internal issues are colliding with a reality I had not even pondered, had in fact DISMISSED, and it leaves me shaky. It leaves me shaken.
I am trying to figure out why this is the thing that would freak me out. And I am not trying to be ambiguous – but I need to hash this out myself first. Lightbulbs are going on and I see some things more clearly – it is my own workings that are the true confusion right now.
And I find it weird that I want to make him cry. I actually have the desire to provoke tears – not that I think I could, but there is a side to me that is caustic and she wants out. She wants to shame him. Not for what he has done specifically, but for making choices that are a 100% guarantee that this will never go one step further.
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The good news? I have been trying to cry for a week. Actively trying to cry, this girl who cries over everything, and the tears were not there.
But just now, I got a few – not sure if they were tears of thanks (for caring) or tears of….shame? Why I am ashamed I am not quite sure. Nothing I saw/read/found had anything to do with me.
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The other good news? No appetite.
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I was supposed to have a date tonight, too. I canceled. I blamed the tequila from last night, but it was really more of what I found. I will find it hard to look in any straight males eyes this week, and I cannot see trekking out to see someone and letting this ruin it because I am icked out by someone else.
I am feeling the need to connect to my male friends and have them give me the honest to god truth – but then we come back to not really wanting to spread it around. The funny thing is I am the girl that loves to tell the story, right? I mean that is my gig – “Wait until you here this shit”, right? But this entire “relationship” has been about me keeping my mouth shut for the most part. People know parts of the story but not the whole thing- hell, I do not even think you guys know the whole thing.
Anyway…I will continue to ponder.
