Filed under: clear skin
I am on these water pills. For acne. They are supposed to flush the extra testosterone from my body and stop the hormonal breakouts (cystic acne on the lower part of my face).
And the doctor upped the dosage in Dec. And now I am a real girl. With real PMS. And cramps. And crying jags.
And I am so over it. The pills work. But holy hell I feel like ASS!!
The boy is out-of-town for a work conference. I have not heard from him since 7 am Thursday. I texted him last night and got no reply. He has not been on fb (I do not think he will access it from his work laptop and he has a fucking blackberry, so this is not unexpected).
And I am enjoying the silence. Not that he does not pop into my head. But it is nice to have some time that is solely mine.
I went bra shopping today. And ran some other errands. I am going to boxing tonight. And I am going to henna my hair when I get home.
I am fertilizing the yard and doing laundry. I might even start purging the closet tomorrow night if I opt to stay home.
But I really cannot wait for him to get home.
I worked out really hard in Sept, Oct and Nov of last year. I lost about 10 pounds and really felt good.
Then the holidays hit, dating, vacations, bday, etc. 10 pounds back!!
And the boy wants to go somewhere sunny for his bday this summer.
So, I bought a groupon to add to the boxing classes (boxing 2 or 3 times a week and the groupon will work for another 2 workouts a week).
And I joined weight watchers.
And really, this whole explanation is to tell you I am fucking starving. DYING. Been thinking about food all day.
The fight. Long story short, I am not a fan of disagreement. And I did not react well which escalated the whole situation.
We had it out. I left. I did not leave with anger in the air. I am pretty sure we both said everything that needed to be said. And I got some text that was….not lovey dovey.
Then 2 days go by. And I feel like his responses are clipped. And I say “I love you” and get no response…..I say “I miss you” and get no response.
This is all over a Thursday and Friday I think. Then comes Saturday. And we have tickets in the city.
He shows up. I am friendly but standoffish. He asks why and I tell him I realize I am being punished and I just am not sure what I am supposed to do to make it “right”. He tells me I am crazy and as we discuss we both pull out our phones to show text messages.
Apparently he sent me 2 texts right after I left his house after the fight that would have meant the world to me. I got the third text, the one that was not lovey dovey, but not the first 2. I mean those texts were the perfect wording of what I needed to hear.
So. Everything is back to being good. Very, very good.
I keep thinking about what I would be saying now if the last 8 weeks had not happened as they did. I am sure I would be “good riddance”-ing 2011 and begging for 2012 to be kinder and gentler.
Had the last 8 weeks not happened I would probably be working on taxes tonight. A movie. A simple dinner. Alone.
Instead I am spending the evening with the most amazing (if not crippled) man. The one who can see my issues and loves me for them anyway. The one who tells me over and over what I mean to him even when I am unable to do the same. The one that I laugh with until I think I might pee my pants. The one who thinks of my needs first even when he is in physical pain.
I am home now. Cooking. Cleaning. Getting clean clothes. Thinking about how this year changed in an instant. Ok…it was more like 3 weeks, but the change is profound.
2011 was good to me in so many ways. I dated a lot and learned SO much about myself in the process. I had friends come back into my life. I got a loan mod on my house. I partied. I had so, so, so much fun.
But the last 8 weeks? Ah-mazing. And not only that I could stop being neurotic for 10 minutes and allow it to happen!
Tonight we celebrate. Just the two of us. Fresh crab, hot sourdough (for him, I will be sampling some gf options), artichokes, chilled sparkling we got in Napa last week, artichoke stuffed mushrooms. And blood marys for the morning. We are going to play scrabble and watch Shaun of the Dead.
I am so excited to welcome in 2012 with him. I am so excited for what this year will bring us. I am just so excited.
Things have been moving along just fine. Great trip. Wonderful holiday. Bday present that was so personal and thoughtful I cried like a baby.
Then. Surgery.
And while it has been no cake walk I have truly enjoyed being near him for multiple hours over multiple days. When I leave I count the minutes until I get back.
Sickening.
And tonight was good. Until a fb comment turned the night. At least for me.
He has been very upfront from date 1 that he does not want to get married again. But things got so good so fast we have talked marriage and such.
My friends give us 6 months. And that joke came up on fb today. And he batted it down.
And I am not surprised. He was not rude or disparaging or….anything negative. He just said “not gonna happen”.
So here I am. My life at home on hold. I have been here for 3 whole days and nights. I have fixed things so I can be here for 3 more days and nights. I am cooking. I am cleaning. I am running errands and listening to the complaints. I am supportive.
And in return he tells me he loves me over and over. He thanks me. He tells everyone how wonderful I am. He goes on and on and on…
But all I hear is I am not good enough to marry. And that bums me out. It hits the core of my insecurity. Not. Good. Enough.
And I KNOW this is stupid. 7 weeks. 7 weeks and I do not want to hear that he will not or cannot marry me at some point.
Not when there are multiple comments from him that he should marry me.
So, what I have decided, at this late hour after a stressful 3 days with little sleep, is that all reference to marriage should stop. It is not fair to joke that he will when he wont. I can be happy with what is offered if I do not have to hear about what is not.
After our second date LV asked me to go out of town with him in December.
It morphed into a birthday trip.
And it was heaven.
2 nights in a suite in Napa with not one but TWO bathrooms. Double shower heads. A full kitchen. View of the river.
To. Die. For.
He planned out most of it, leaving options in between appointments. We hit Chappellet, Caymus, Round Pond (for a food pairing). He sent me to the bar while he dealt with things at the hotel. We went to Morimoto and had the most decadent meal of my entire life. The next day we hit Cakebread and Domain Chandon (oysters and sparkling). We stopped at Opus and worked our way into a tasting and private tour of the facilities. We saw the place where the grapes are crushed and the barrels stored. We had drinks with some of my family friends. We went to Cindy’s Backstreet and had another amazing meal. We drank. A lot. We made friends with the bartender at the hotel and a Canadian couple that we ate a meal with. We nursed hangovers. And we laughed.
I cannot even tell you how amazing it was. It was more than I ever could have asked for.
Have I ever told you my parents were engaged after 6 weeks? They were married within 6 months of meeting and have been married for 40+ years.
So I am not surprised to fall so quickly. But it is still jarring.
We are getting ready to go out of town later this week. Then xmas, then my bday. And then New Years.
Or so I thought.
He has opted to throw in surgery in between bday and New Years. And guess who is playing nurse maid?
I went back through the posts and realized I missed a date. So while this is post 14 it was actually 15 dates.
And it is probably time to stop counting. As I was down there last night, will go down there tomorrow and then he is coming up Saturday and Sunday.
Numbering those would be a fucking nightmare. But Sunday will be 6 weeks and it would be something like 17 or 18 dates. That is a lot. For a girl who is independent and enjoys her own company.
**
So, last night. It has been decided he lives in a cultural wasteland and we ended up eating at a chain restaurant. I hate most chains and this one was not very good.
But as always, we talked about “stuff”.
His major complaint with me is I am hard to read. And he is certainly not the first person to say that. When he starts talking emotion and plans and stuff I listen, I look him in the eye…but my mouth tends to remain shut.
I told him that I was no longer terrified after last weekend. And I am not. I am actually zen with where this is going and how we will get there.
But he said he needs to know how I really feel. In order for him to let go of some of his worries about us. He thinks I am having second thoughts. Or that I am unsure.
And I had to tell him I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life. And I told him I was head over heels.
I decided that even if this ends horribly, it is so worth the risk. It is worth throwing caution to the wind.
**
We are going on that mini vacation in a week. He has wineries planned. I made dinner reservations for one night. I could not be more excited.
