So a blog I read linked to a horoscope (thank you, Planner).
This was mine for this week:
Everyone wants an extra piece of you these days, and they don’t necessarily care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation, subliminal seduction, and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be secretly pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you — and might be tempted to conspire in your own dismantling. Let me propose a compromise. How about letting three trustworthy people — no more — take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking.
Holy shit.
The thing with the old friend has blown up. I got weird, only because I had no time to think. He pulled back which sends me into a tailspin.
I take the time to write it all out and come up with a paragraph that answers all my questions. I feel so much better, because the decision is being made by me.
And then he tells me the gf is moving her hubby back in and that he is in love with her. Kicked me in the gut. Seeing him say he is in love with her hurt more than I had anticipated. Fuck.
Overall his comments are very misleading. He “likes me more than ever before” but he does not want to be “another guy with his hands all over your ass”. Refer to impossible promises/emotional manipulation/care about how it will effect you above, please. I need to realize he will take the comfort, but he really is not here to see me…he is here to forget her.
Holy fuck, I hate it when I can sum up all my angst in ONE LINE. Why does it mess with me so much when it only takes 24 words??!!
So…his sunglasses are in my car and we were going to wait to meet up to return them…but fuck it. I want to overnight them and be free of the drama for awhile. No more links. No more reason to see each other.
And I wonder why I can no longer sleep, huh?
My head, that is. Putting it squarely back on my shoulders, straight as can be.
Drama. So I made out with a friend. Big fucking deal. What messed with me is so in my own head and of my own making it is disgusting.
The problem is I tend to over think (ha…hence this little place on the internet) and make things a bigger deal that they are.
What I discovered yesterday as I was writing it all down was that regardless of what he may or may not want from me, I am not willing to get involved. Because the simple truth is he is in love with someone else – and while he won’t believe it, I KNOW she is coming back. And I am not going to set myself up to the the placeholder.
He is taking a huge step back and I cannot blame him. I should have seen it yesterday when our all day plan turned into a quick lunch. And then he bolted.
But yesterday gave me perspective. I choose to let this all go. Could it be amazing? Maybe. Could it be disastrous? Hell, yes. And I am not sure my business can withstand me losing my head over some stupid guy.
It was an expensive weekend, seeing as I had just opted to be done with eH@rm*ny, but needing the distraction I renewed to the tune of $170 that I do not really have right now. But sanity is priceless, right?
I,too, am taking a step back, I had hoped he would join me for a fun event on July 4, but now I am not even going to mention it. I would rather go alone than be turned down….or risk looking needy or like I want more than he is willing to give. Basically, I am back to making sure I do not look like an asshole – which in not a good place for me to be with a guy since it means I am very careful with my choice of words and actions – and to date I have never had to do this with him.
The thing that has attracted me has been the open communication. But I am stuck for how to continue – at least right now – without changing the interaction. He needs to know “more” is not in the back of my head. And I KNOW I should just tell him this, but it seems so harsh right now. I crave and I fear defining any of this.
(wrote this earlier this week or over the weekend…but it will make the next post make more sense, I think)
Filed under: Being Mere
eH*rm^ny just matched me with a Farmer/Janitor. It is like eH*rm^ny does not know me at all….sort of like the time a friend tried to set me up with an adult who plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Really? Me? Do I seem the type to farm, clean or pay D&D? Do I seem the type to want to hang with people who do? I am gonna go with NO.
***
Had a really great morning where I was convinced I was the best realtor ever…only to be smacked down by a STUPID mistake. I beat the living crap out of myself. I pondered running away from it all.
Then I begged. Then I pleaded. Then I fixed it. Hero again! But still not happy that I was not perfect (which should manifest in other ways like a nice case of anorexia instead of this shit).
(Yes…not a PC thing to say…but still, I believe my life would be better if I was a size 4) (SHIT! I KNOW it would be better at a 4. I see girls less smart, less funny, but SKINNY married and having it all – what do I have? NOTHING.) End rant.
***
Got new topical acne meds (off the antibiotics). This one comes with 2 vials that you need to mix. One is terracotta colored and you add a chocolate red to it. Then you smear on your face.
……
……
……
I look like I smeared pudding on my face. WHAT THE FUCK??
There is an option for no color….why oh why did they start me with color? Give me the NO COLOR first! Asshats.
***
Overall, I am just a little bitter today. I am tired of working so hard for pennies. I am tired of all of it. I am not sure if I need a vacation or a life change.
Maybe just a nap?
I am not good at hiding emotion. The last few days have been filled with sighs, hurumphs, shaking my head for no reason, losing track of what I am doing, funny little repetitive hand movements that make noise.
Tension. Confusion. Disbelief.
The events of Saturday night do not leave me feeling as I think I should. I want to be giddy and smiling. I want excitement.
And it isn’t there. And I don’t know why.
Ok…maybe I do know why. The layers of drama involved, the lack of walls I am left with, the…hatred(?) that I think is headed my way is paralyzing. I think I am worried I will not get the truth from him about the girlfriend (who is apparently gone, but I fear she will get bored and come back). The drama of his wife openly not liking me (recent development as far as I know that started with a poker game where I was 100% innocent).
And let’s put it all out there – total fear of not being able to measure up to this fantastic (and crazy) girlfriend (fuck buddy is more accurate) that caused him to lose sleep, not eat, and fall hard.
And that is only if it continues. W thinks he is serious. I am just not so sure. I know I always look for the worst…but…
***
Just read about 3 or 4 weeks of emails. He IS wrapped up with the girlfriend. June 6 he is telling me how head over heels he is for the gf. What is that? 2 weeks ago?
I need to step back. I possibly need to cancel our Saturday plans. I need to trust my gut which says the timing is all wrong on this.
Filed under: dating
Yesterday I commented about a friend’s openness to being hurt and all that jazz. Long story short, he is getting a divorce (no one knows why he married her) and apparently has fallen head over heels for someone else.
Drama.
I was called in to decipher the new girlfriends motives/wants/needs/level of crazy. I was supportive and told him my honest opinion.
The next day we chatted via email real quick and I said “I am glad you are pursuing the relationship with her” and he said “I’m over it”.
What I did not tell him was what he started that night. It was one of the best, most open conversations I have had with a man….maybe ever. And my brain started going…and going….and I could not turn it off.
Some of the things he said were exactly what my deepest fantasies (that I will barely admit to) (and I am not talking sex here!) would require.
So…here is this guy with a wife he is trying to get rid of…a girlfriend who is playing major games….and now, NOW, I am curious. Way to give yourself a complete mind fuck.
I barely know how to continue this. So I guess I will go to the shortest version – I have known him for almost 13 years. I have never ever wanted to make out with him. I have always had a sneaking suspicion that in his mind the option for more was there, but he was married. He popped into my life every few years to check on me and then would go again.
So it was a surprise to feel this way and then to get so wrapped up in it that it was all I could think about for more than two weeks.
Then, lets add my summer plan to drink as much as possible…and well….shit. Not that he is innocent…we both knew what we were doing.
I think we are both sitting here confused. I am pretty sure this is going nowhere. I do not even know what to think. I am pretty sure the 2 hours of sleep are not helping my emotional state or my ability to think.
I just texted him that I hoped we had not just added an unnecessary level of drama to his life, to our friendship. He sent back that he has no expectations “nor boundaries” whatever the fuck that means.
Argh….fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Filed under: dating
Four months after the first….
Today I went wine tasting with the doctahh.
After a chat with a friend a few weeks ago, impressed with said friends openness to being hurt, I emailed the doctahh. He called 5 minutes later.
The doctahh was upset that I had been in his hood and had not called. I emailed him a few days ago that I would be there in 2 weeks and he responded with “I have plans on that date, but what about Saturday?”
I responded with yes AND HE CALLED AGAIN to firm up plans. Sometimes they do learn!
Anyway…it was cold as fuck and I was drunk after 3 tastes but it really was a good time. We went on a short hike afterwards and I think I was ok. No whining at least!
Lots of making out. Which was fun. No idea what happens now, but it was certainly a nice way to spend a day.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Words have the ability to hurt. And that is not something I ever wanted this blog to do. I am happy to share the password with readers I know or readers (ha, like there is anyone left?) that would like to introduce themselves. I do not check the email attached to this, so leave me a comment to remind me to check email.
Filed under: life changes
Filed under: Uncategorized
I love other people’s drama. Know why? Becasue my own dram tires me out to the point of not even wanting to talk about it.
