Because I am self employed and work on 100% commission there are times when cash is tight. And there are times when I decide something is important and I do not care what it costs, it is going to be the first thing I buy when I get my next check.
Boxing.
I had purchased a 24 Hour Fitness membership at Costco – $600 for 2 years – but the moment the card arrived (it was sort of a gift card/coupon) my boxing gym offered a year for $800. I talked the manager down to 2 of us for $699 each and my friend and I signed up.
And I could not be happier! I hurt from head to toe after week one, but I am enjoying the feeling so much. What I love is there is no question of where I am working out for the next year. No payment issues, no groupon that will run out. 12 months of committing to having my ass handed to me 3 or 4 times a week. 12 months of getting stronger.
The boy and I continue to plug along. We are trying to figure each other out. But taking this time for myself is helping me feel like I am taking care of me. And I need to remember to take care of me sometimes. Because I spend a lot of time making sure he is comfortable in this house and I forget I count too.
4×4 and I have had some really great weekends lately. Interspersed with me declaring my independence. But everything is followed by really good conversation where we hash things out and come to an understanding.
This weekend was to be another fantastic adventure. We started with the Kentucky Derby, cocktails, shuffleboard and ended with more cocktails and the fights. We tried a friends new vodka. We laughed and had so much fun.
Sunday we picked up his dog and went to our favorite mexican place for Cinco drinks and lunch. Then we headed through a long rural canyon drive to a biker bar in a hidden little town not too far away.
About an hour in I look at him and I say “Whoa, I just got super dizzy. I need a chair with a back on it” and it was all downhill from there. I literally cannot stand without passing out. Food poisoning.
The man takes over. He grabs me a garbage can and water. I end up throwing up a few times before we decide he somehow has to get me out of the bar. He handles everything like a pro. He is calm and soothing. He gets me out and home and takes care of me for the rest of the night.
It was humiliating but he took suck good care of me that I can feel nothing but warmth and gratitude.
Mind you I am still in bed, weak, tired, worn out and starving. But
4×4 and I have had some growing pains. And I realize this is the same as the last guy. Which leads me to believe it is me. Not them. And I choose the same guy. Every time.
The good part is with the ADD diagnosis and the books I have read I understand myself better and I am better able to explain to him how I work and why.
For instance, when someone is pissed at me I shut down. My brain starts rehashing the last minutes and I cannot really grasp what the issue is. I needed him to know that I will always need a day or two to process and then I can come back and calmly discuss it. In his mind I was still harping on something we had already discussed. And I needed to explain we had discussed his issues, but not mine. And that I was not going to pick the fight again. I was going to be calm and rational.
Then we had what I consider a major issue this weekend. I won’t go into the whole thing, but I handed him all of his shit and was pretty much done. I was not loud or angry. I was calm and collected. But I was not having it.
I will give him credit for coming back the next day and telling me he wanted a chance to make things better. I told him that he keeps saying that I am *it*, and if this is going to be long term then everything he does gets amplified. I start thinking “This is not going to be my life.” He has been adamant that I cannot change him. And I agree with him. I told him I am only going to tell you what I just cannot deal with. If you want to change, great, if not, that is ok, too. You just will not be with me.
I am proud of myself for being firm about what is acceptable and what is not and in an unemotional way. I am stating my wants and needs (which is not easy for me). The major difference with this guy is we can talk about things and they do not escalate and get out of hand. He goes home and really thinks about my side of the issue and can come back and tell me he understands my point. I am not sure I am an understanding.
Today, we were texting first thing in the morning and I was saying that I really need to reconnect after all the drama. Him: “That’s what I want, too. I think we both are trying to force things to be better or fix it. We just need to be ourselves and it will be fine. We are both still learning each other and that’s what I want to do. I don’t want to become complacent and stop learning because I want this to work and be together forever.”
And again, I am stopped in my tracks. He really is so much wiser than I am. He gets me (most of the time), and he really does care. And I need to trust in that. And trust him because he is so much better at this that I am.
It appears I am in a full blown relationship. And our first date was not even a month ago.
We spend maybe 2 nights a week apart. This is the first weekend he has been away from me for most of a day. Only because I came home last night with terrible cramps. I was not sure why I feel so shitty but I wanted to be in my own bed with my own bathroom. I still feel sort of crappy.
Wednesday night he showed up at my house drunk. While it was not a fight it was another point of discussion. We went out to dinner and he tells me he really really likes me. “I know” I smirk back. “No. You don’t. You think you know, but you don’t”
Anyway….we had a deep discussion yesterday (PMS induced) which left me in tears (ahem, PMS). It was not a bad convo, I was just trying to get him to see his tone sometimes is….not how I want him to talk to me. I think he heard me. I know I am setting off some things with him (he thinks he will not make enough money for me, he thinks I might want to change him someday) and he is getting defensive in advance.
Then we went to his hood to hang out. He had a lot to drink. And I am pretty sure he said he loved me. He was trying to tell me he really, really likes me. Only “love” slipped out. Later he tried to backtrack a bit telling me he is back and forth on the “L” words with me (Like and Love). Seeing as he gives me shit for blurting it out in bed, I do not let him off the hook.
The thing is, I already know he loves me. I can tell by the way he comes over and holds my hand while he watches tv and I go to sleep. I can tell by the way his eyes soften when he smiles at me. I can tell when he says that at 4 am he pondered coming to sleep with me last night (when I left at 2:30 am). I can tell when he apologizes (for the drunken Wed) via text, realizes it isn’t enough and calls me to tell me he is sorry.
So, he doesn’t need to say it. I know. But I am waiting to hear it. He once told me he would hold my face and tell me so I would know he really means it. THAT is what I am waiting for.
Wed night he has plans to come over. I get a text that he is pissed about some family stuff and he is warning me of his mood. He comes over anyway and we head out to a taqueria and then a dive bar.
He tells me he cannot read me. But it seems as if I read his mind. I guess I do things he is thinking, like climbing into his lap from across the couch, just as he is thinking I am sitting too far away.
He tells me he thinks it would be crazy if I had meant “I love you” the other day. We had only known each other 2 weeks at that point, he says. I just smile. Then he proceeds to tell me he would like to knock me up. So, who said the worse thing? I love you can change. A baby, not so much.
**
7/8/9
He spent the whole weekend here. Friday I needed to go to the city to see some clients at an art installation closing party. We had drinks and dinner and saw the Bay Bridge lights. We held hands and said nice things to each other.
Saturday we went to announce to my client that we are dating. It was awkward as fuck. Mostly because no one knows we arrived together. He helped them fix some items in the new house. And I just chatted with clients and approved paint colors. Finally the client drags me into another room and asks if we are hanging out. I nod. “I really dig him” I say.
Saturday night we had dinner and drinks at a friends house (my friends). He seemed a little quiet in the beginning but he opened up later. I do like that I do not need to hang out with him at a party. He went with my friend G to bbq and chat about me. G told him that he has never seen me this happy and to keep doing what he is doing. He thanked H (G’s gf) for the invite and told her how into me he is.
At one point I refer to myself as single and he gives me stink eye. I mean to bring this up later as I *AM* single. But it never plays in until the next day.
The one issue? He drank way too much. And I could not get him to get up from the table. Finally getting him in my car he would not get out. So I left the light on and gave him a blanket and went to bed and left him in the garage.
The next day I calmly told him he cannot do that to me. I cannot lift him. I need him to remain sober enough to get home with me. “Deb does it to her husband all the time” he says smirking, “Only she leaves him in the driveway”. “Those people do not even like each other, R,” I say “….we are not going to be those people”. And he agreed.
So we will see.
Sunday is St Patricks day. We spend the day in bed. Snoozing. Talking. Laughing. Banging. And then head to “his bar”. His sanctuary. The one he told me he would not take me to for awhile. I am introduced to many people.
He asks me if I remember him giving me a look the night before. “When I said I was single?” I ask. “No. When you referred to me as your boyfriend”.
This sends me into a panic. Because why would I refer to him as such? I HATE that word. I could barely refer to LV as my boyfriend. G tells me he thinks I might have said “It is time to take my drunk boyfriend home” at the end of the night but 4×4 says that is not it. But he cannot give me a reference. He says he is ok with me calling him that. I, on the other hand, am not comfortable with it. For no other reason than it seems presumptuous. And I really do not like the word. “Boyfriend comes before ‘I love you’” he says. “Not in my world” I respond.
Later, “I promised my mom I would not get married again. I will commit, I will buy a ring, I will do everything, but I told her I would not get married”, he tells me. “But you have never done it. And I could fudge some things for you”. I am not sure what that means. I mean I know what it means, but I am not sure why we need to talk about this now. It makes me tear up a little, writing that. Because I know he knows what is in my head and heart. And that he can tell, without me ever saying anything that it will be important to me.
Even though his new job site is about a mile from his house he comes home with me to watch a movie and go to bed with me. He woke me up with his huge hands rubbing my back this morning. They make me feel small, those hands. They are soft since his hands are in oil all day (and cotton gloves? I am not sure why, but this is what he has told me). For a man that works with his hands he is very gentle. For someone so masculine he is very romantic. He makes me feel girly. Which is what I really, really want from someone. I want to know I do not have to be the strong one all the time. Sigh….yup. So far, so good.
3/12/2013
I am not sure they can be called dates when it is really more of him coming over after his evening is done and hanging out with me.
Last night. Yeah. Last night. We go to bed to watch a movie. And suddenly he starts asking about the size of my bed (CA King), because he has a queen he is in love with. And I sort of look at him…..and look at him….and he starts talking furniture. And where it will fit in my house.
I am sure I say something along the lines of “We can figure it out if we get to that point” and he starts to discuss how he feels about me. About us. And I wish I could remember exactly what he said, it was sort of “I have only felt this way about a few people and you are quickly climbing to the top of the list” and “I love everything about you”. “I cannot see a reason we would not still be doing this right here in 6 or 7 months”, he says, “and at that point….” he trails off, probably because I am kissing him, but we are on the same page. This is really good.
And my head is spinning. And I am not scared. I am just so satisfied to hear him say it. Because I like him in my space. And I do not like ANYONE in my space.
I tell him I had told someone today that being with him was easy. He corrected me – it is natural. And it is. There is nothing awkward. Nothing he says or does raises my hackles. He makes me feel calm (my number one desire in life). We just fit.
He went home early this morning because he is having some back pain. And I miss him already.
3/10/13
Enter PMS.
Yesterday I had a bizarre and interesting day. I was to show one client 2 new homes (models) and ended up showing him 16. He walked in, told me he was separated, showed me his hot new BMW and doubled his price range in 2.5 hours.
I was depressed for him and his situation. And I was late for a party with another client.
That party might turn into a listing so thank god I went!
And through my schedule changes? 4×4 rolled with it.
He came over, helped me run some errands, picked up heavy stuff for me, and let me be “wound up” with PMS.
We went out for an early dinner with one of my friends and came home for a few drinks. I was falling asleep by 8 and at 10 he sent me to bed. I did not want to move away from him. “It is sort of hot”, he says.
“How?”
“That I am here, in your house, watching your tv and you are going to go to bed. And I get to crawl into bed with you as soon as I am done. It is practice.”
“Practice for what?”I am barely awake.
“Real life” he says.
And this morning I realize in the last few years I have never gone to bed on my own with someone in this house or in someone else’s home. I go to bed with someone. And there is something….different…about not having to invite someone to bed or to be invited. I go. He will follow. And I really, really like that he will follow.
And it was nice to be woken a little while later by a warm body sliding into bed next to me.
**
And the day continued. I *might* have blurted out ‘I love you’ during sex. Ooops.
We spend another day in bed. I learn about his family, his obligations, why he and the wife did not have kids.
The sex is amazing. Like we fit together. Like we were made for each other. Nothing awkward (I love you aside). Nothing forced, fake or anything less that 100% real. I desire him like nothing I have ever felt before. And maybe it is the PMS hormones but all I want is to be connected with him.
He had to go. And I ended up at a drunken dinner with friends where I did nothing but talk about him. He texted me and I swear my body temp went up 15 degrees. Because I am spun, in love, done for.
