I am not going to post all the diet bullshizz today. The food is still making me happy. I need to mix things up a bit, though. Shopping needs to happen.
But what I do want to record today is today is the first day in a month in which I felt like me in parts. The music on the radio in the car made me happy today instead of sad.
Even finding this (from SYTYCD) didn’t make me cry:
God, I hope this means I can return to normal soon. I want to take what I learned from the last 6 months and move on and be a better me. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am very tired of the tears. I am tired of talking about this. And that even includes talking about it here. Thank you for listening. God knows, most of my friends could not give a shit. And I am hardly the girl who beats a dead horse.
But it is in my nature to take stock at these times. I know who has my back. And who doesn’t. And I am going to use that to get my feet under me again. Start from scratch in some areas. Knowing that I really, really like me. Even though I need some improvements.
1o more days and I can toast to getting back to loving me again.
Today I will accept my break up as an expiration. Like milk, it had an expiration date. It was meant to end when it did. I will not replay, revisit, or regret. Instead I will focus on what I’ve learned about myself through the experience and what I want to change. If I not, I know that I will have wasted the ultimate gift of the relationship.
- Angry
Filed under: Uncategorized
My cravings are pretty much gone. I eat when my stomach growls. And even then I tend to wait awhile. I worked out HARD tonight and I really did not even want dinner when I came home. But I rallied and made the world’s best taco….mmmmmm…..nom, nom, nom. I would say at least 1/3 of my diet is based on Mexican food.
Weight: -4.0 (6.0 to go).
Carbs: 38 grams. Too low. I need to up it with more veggies. I like veggies on the bbq and I did not grill tonight.
Workout – Boxing class which had no boxing. We did a spinning routine for 45 minutes and then pushups, crunches, etc for another 15. I was dripping wet. The tops of my hands were sweating..
Last night in a funny conversation with a male friend I asked if I should return a very small item that the car wash found in my car that belongs to LV. I said I would send it with no note, no return address, just an envelope with the small item.
He decided it would be fine. He went so far as to give me permission to include a note.
I had addressed the envelope (no note, no name, no return address, but obv. my writing) but not yet sealed it when my Dating Guru walked in.
I took him to the porch at work to discuss and he asked me to see the item. I got it for him. And he promptly threw it in a mass of bushes.
So. There is his opinion. The item is now gone.
We chatted a bit more and he left. 20 minutes later he called my cell and left the sweetest message. This beautiful (I mean woah), sensitive, married man called to tell me how much he cared about me. And how I deserve everything in a partner. And that he knew I would find it. So sweet. And made me cry at my desk.
Filed under: primal
I was mostly home today. I am sort of in hermit mode. I went and showed the hot cash buyer what he purchased. He was very nice that I met him on a holiday. Then he texted me a few things after he left – very appreciative (wishing me margaritas in my future). Pretty sure he is just polite and not attempting to flirt. Hell, I am not sure I could flirt back if my life depending on it.
Anyway….my new weekend menu seems to be homemade iced mocha and 2 meals. And I am not hungry until food is in front of me. I pondered going to be without dinner.
Anyway.
Weight: -3.2 (6.8 to go).
Carbs: 44 grams
Workout – Nothing. I worked on a sunburn.
Filed under: LV
Yes. I am now taking therapy notes from Bethenny.
I am home today. Reading, laying out, enjoying the sun, planning my life, waiting to show a house.
And Bethenny Ever After is on in the background. I think I sort of love her. There is a marathon on. And I am half paying attention.
And she says “I am the villain in my relationship”. And I am like HOLY FUCK, YES!!! I was too! I was always wrong, always the one who needed to improve, do better, be better, do more, be more.
Sigh. Suddenly cable is worth it. It isn’t just me!
Filed under: Friend turned makeout buddy - watch the car crash!, primal, workouts and healthkicks
It is quite possible my emotional melt down yesterday over Friend Turned and the gf were hormone driven.
Cuz I SWEAR IMMA DIE IF I DO NOT GET CHOCOLATE!!!
I looked up primal desserts. Um. Avocado chocolate mousse? Choco-lard? Well, no. I am not going that route.
I also found pics of me at 33ish. Holy shit I looked good. And I am not sure I was any thinner. Just younger. I have some creping on my neck that is driving me nuts. And I am wondering what a peel for my neck and face would cost at the derm? Maybe as a treat if I get FT’s house sold and him into another one? I mean those two sales would be about 20-25K in my pocket. I could spend $500-$1000 to make myself feel good? Only if I lose 15 pounds though. Deal? Deal.
A haircut too. And maybe a color.
**
Part of the diet is vitamin D the natural way – Sun. I laid out on my balcony for 40 minutes. It was nice to relax for a bit with a book.
I am sort of over the whole rigmarole. I will shorten this as long as nothing changes. Right now, I am pretty satisfied with the way I eat, my energy levels, etc. I know I need to cut out the diet sodas and fit in more veggies. That is a standard need of my life.
Weight: -2.2 (7.8 to go). I will up this to 15 pounds once this first 10 is gone.
Carbs: 58. I hope to hold out on the chocolate.
Workout – Does laundry count? I don’t even think I left the house today. I have had a lazy book reading day. So, that is a NADA.
When I decided to help the Friend Turned sell his house I was happily in a relationship that was fulfilling in most ways it needed to be. I thought I would be the sassy old friend who could make unemotional decisions (much like the dispassionate advice I was asked for oh so long ago).
What I did not factor in was a break up. And it has been about a month. And the professional side of me has been rock solid. I have not made a peep. Mostly because I shut off my needs (within a friendship) when work is now involved. Some part of me requires that I remain professional. A client, even one who is a friend, does not need my drama in their escrow. I cannot have them second guess where my head is at.
The other item I missed was this new gf factoring into his decision-making process. He has told me (just 5 weeks ago) that he is not totally sold on the relationship. So, I figured it would mostly be he and I looking at new places.
But I rallied when she came along. The first time we took separate cars. So, I only had to deal with her at the house. Not on the 40 minute drive. And I didn’t flinch when he leaned over and kissed her forehead.
Today, they all piled into one car. And I have to play nice with a stranger. Which I can do – I mean she isn’t horrible. Just not my type of person. But I was lacking my usual drivel. I was struggling at small talk. Mostly because I really do not care about her. At all.
And I am sure I am just lonely. I am NOT thinking I want to try anything with Friend Turned. Furthest thing from my mind (and I fully admit I have thought about wanting more over the years, but when LV came along, I KNEW Friend Turned was not ever going to be right for me). And maybe I am missing someone caring how I feel. Or missing being loved. Or missing having someone think I am amazing. Because all of those feelings are addictive. Or at least very easy to get used to. But when he reached over and rubbed her leg because she was car sick…it was hard to keep composed. I mean, I DID. But it was hard. And then he asks her as we get back in the car if her has done something to upset her and she says “Not yet”. I am like, WTF? Really? He is looking at buying a $1.5M house for you to live in (and I do not think she really works), he bought you a car, and you are going to be snotty in front of the hired help (me). Fucking twat.
But with this added wrinkle of her opinion factoring in, I have to be respectful of their process. And frankly, she and I agree on most things. But she is such a spoiled brat.
Anyway, I hold his house open today and we head back to one of the houses afterwards to see it with his best friend and best friend’s wife. Who, btw, do not really like me as far as I can tell. But whatever. Again, I can suck it up.
At the house Fiend Turned looks at Best Friend and says “well, if I keep gf….”
And I stop and I ask him “Did you really just say that?” Because I am thinking about how he asks her opinion, and the touching and comforting, and….it is all a game of some sort?
The Best Friend says “He has been saying that for 6 months. No, actually a year and a half”.
I then ask if I can state an opinion to FT. And he nods and I say “I wanted to say this earlier today, but please do not buy a house for a girl”. Which is why he is in the home he is in – for the wife. And he agrees, he will buy what he wants.
Anyway. We decide to go see one more house. And while we are in the guest house I am joking that I can come live there. And Best Friend says “Wait, you are dating someone, right?”
Fuck.
I smile a tight little smile (as I have been on the edge of tears all day anyway) and slightly shake my head. FT turns and looks at me and says “But you were!”. And I say, “Didn’t work out”.
And we move on.
But my fear is I have now made myself dangerous to the gf. I am safer when I have a boyfriend. Not that I am going to steal hers. Been there, down that. I hope he does not tell her.
Want to know what is craziest? His gf and LV have the same bday. WEIRD!!
Primal Day 7
Weight: -1.2 (8.8 to go). Lost a pound with only eating 50g of carbs.
Carbs: 76.
Success Score (1-10) – 8 I wish I had more protein as snacks (over nuts and cheese)
Energy levels (1-10) –7. I was up at 4 am for no reason. I totally did the late afternoon nap. Which I tried to avoid. But failed.
Workout – Walked hills for45 mins in the am. We did a longer distance in less time so we were hauling ass today.
Relaxing evening: I am working tomorrow so I am going to read and try to get to bed ASAP.
Hunger Levels between meals (1-10) –7. Mixed. I am still hungry right now. I am thinking my appetite is up from 3 brutal workouts this week, plus walks/hikes.
Satisfaction with meals (1-10) – 8. I loved everything I ate (fajitas and omelets, both with veggies). But I am hungry. Like REALLY want a big bowl of popcorn hungry.
Struggles: I am almost out of veggies in the house and am working all damn day tomorrow. I need to find a Sunday farmers market. Or maybe I will walk to the veggie stand at the bottom of the hill on Sunday and see what they have.
Benefits: Obv weight loss. I am a little behind and at this rate I will only lose 6 pounds by the drop dead date. But we will ignore that today and just keep on keeping on.
